Become stronger

I'm touching my heart from the inside

Trying to start a conversation

Between a mind and a heart

To understand and to console

To become one as one soul

It's okay to be scared and afraid

But can you become stronger

It's okay to be uncertain and weak

But again can you become stronger

Be like the rest

Trying to be skeptic

My world doesn't make sense

What should I believe

Where do I go from here

What is my next step

I'm lost in my own world

From dawn to sunset

From sunset to dawn

I will never be like the rest

I have no will to become stronger

Don't step into my world.

Don't come into my life.

Sometimes I'm tired of what I am

I want to get out as I can't cope with my own self

It's like a dream without an end

Like a ship without a skipper

I'm drifting away far away from the shore

I'm washing away far away from reality

I'm afraid of my own ability

I'm also afraid of what I can do

Don't want to be stronger although it's what I should do

As I'm afraid the test and responsibility will be greater

Need to do this

Still feels so exhausted and weak. I have no strength for the day. I have no strength to lift up my magic scissors. I have tears in my eyes as I gather the remaining strength to cut the invisible string. Why is it so hard for me today. Anyhow, I need to do what I need to do no matter how hard it is. 

Finding back myself

I woke up this morning feeling lost. I could not sense myself inside of me. It's a crowded room inside of me full of emotions and energies of humans from last night function. Closing my eyes for a very long time and searching back one by one until I finally find back the familiar face in the crowded faces of friends and strangers.

I am a Pretender

I feels so deep

Yet I pretend that I don't care

I care so much

Yet I pretend that I'm heartless

I know so much

Yet I pretend that I know nothing

Freedom to choose

From far I heard the echos of the crying wind searching it's way to my heart. Again and again until I myself lost in the middle of myself. I seek and I learned how to save myself and my heart. Until a few days back finally I learned and able to cut this unseen bond because I care. I'm free to choose and I'm free to care.

Honestly

I don't have sympathy for you

And I don't even feels sorry for you

You see others like you see your self

You categorized your self and you categorized others as well

Honestly

I care for you and it's simple as that

Honestly

I like you as you are and it's just a fact

Honestly

You are a special person and I won't trade you for others

I'm smiling to my heart - 2

Every time I'm smiling to my own heart, I'm smiling to the world as well.

Smile, Happiness and Love

Smile is everywhere I look at

Happiness is where I set my feet's on

Love is where my heart is

Be ready

I belong to myself and yet I belong to others as well. I am one and we are one. There is no separation between me and the hearts that reach me. Blocking them will hurt me more so it's better just to let them in and let them flow through me. I realised that it's easy to recover from the emotions and illness that reach me when I am ready and healthy.

For my own sake, I need to take care of myself first so that I'm always healthy and strong. I could not foresee when, where and how because they will always trying to reach me. I must be ready at any time.

Sincere

I saw some people who are sincerely nice. May GOD bless them and their family.

Still learning

Remembering what I've learned a few months ago. If I lost a key in the dark, why should I look underneath the lamp post. That's what other people have been doing all this years. What they don't see, they don't accept. What they don't accept, they think it's does not exist. They have been searching everywhere under the light and they never once across their mind to look in the dark where it was there all along.

So much to learn and so much that I can learn.

So far I'm still learning to control my heart whilst learning the language of the human heart at the same time. Having learning and understand new things time to time. What I learn about myself I learn about others as well. So true. I have been asking lots of question to my own heart and found out that my heart is answering back. Awesome.

Think outside the box and yet learning the secrets in the box.

Mend a broken heart

Once, it takes time to mend a broken heart

As I stared into nothingness for a very long time until it's finally gone

Once, it takes acceptance to mend a broken heart

As I looked away silently and took a deep breath with a new hope

Once, it takes decision to mend a broken heart

As I closed my eyes tightly with tears and open them again in a new world

Every Single Day

I woke up in the morning with a heavy feeling in my heart. Every single day is nearly the same as the day before. The weight of the world it is. Tears drop from my eyes as I feels the burden and the suffering of the human's heart. Every single day I need to tell my self not to be carried away and forcing myself to fight back this emotions. Every single day I tell my self that I need to be stronger than yesterday. Every single day my heart's bleeding and every single day also I heals back the wound. Every single day I cried and smile back as I wiped the tears from my eyes. Every single day I learned a new hope and I learned new things about life. Every single day I was hoping that I can smile to the world and every single heart that I can reach out.

I'm no hero to the world

I'm not a hero or a savior

I can't save all the people in this world

I can't save each and everyone around me

But I will try to save myself

So that I can save you as well

I'm smiling to my heart

I walked pass the crowd of friends and strangers

Every day and every night

Alive and living my life like the rest of them

Yet I'm different and alone in my own world

I talked and I shared like nothings wrong

But deep in my heart I alone knew

As I hears and I feels without any boundaries

The hearts and emotions floating around me

I used to shiver and almost losing my mind

When I feels the pulse in the air finding it's way to my heart

I realised I have an empty space in my heart

And I was crushing myself to destruction

I'm learning to fills the space and heals the wound

Learning my way to save my heart and my mind

I find hope and suddenly love come naturally

Filling the space until faith comes along

I'm smiling to my heart and others in silence

I'm able to give hope to mine and others as well

Truly amazing and still makes me amused till now

I don't know how it works but it works anyway

Loving my heart till it overflows to the surrounding

As long I'm able to control I won't give up hoping

I see the beauty and cherish even to the smallest things

Spreading the unseen and hope to see them smile

Start with a smile

Human's feelings and emotions are contagious. Believe in yourself and don't give up hope. Start with a smile and it will enlighten everyone around you.

A Good Friend

I was chatting with a good friend yesterday. A good friend I adore and respect. A good friend I love and miss so much. From her I learned so much about life. From her also I learned the most powerful words which I carry in my mind and heart. "If you are not happy, do something about it". So true. The words that save me from destroying myself. I thanked her all my life.

I tried and I cried

But I won't stop trying

I still see the goodness in other people's heart

No matter how small they are

I still see the hope in their eyes

Although it looks like just a glimpse only

Self healing/Self whispering

Listen to your body

They will stop and listen back to you

Whisper softly to them and ask them dearly

Ask them which part is hurting

Ask them what is hurting them

Ask them what they want

They will answer you back

Your body is just like a baby

They need love and attention

They need care and affection

Once you understand

You can whisper what you want

What you want them to do

What you want them to be

You will realise that

You will heal much faster

You will heal much easier

With the power of GOD

Need to fight this

I don't feel very well today as every inch of my body started feeling ache and I already feels dizzy. Please GOD makes me well again. Please GOD I need the strength to fight this.

No Option

I have no option. That's what I have been told. I stayed because I have no option. I was in silence. Is it true? Questioning my self again and again.

Last year I was offered a job in the UAE which I turned down because I still like it here. Last year also I was offered to operate a branch of a printing shop by my sister which I said wait and hold on first. Which I still hold on to my heart. A few weeks ago my friend offered me to join working with her for the airport project which I said wait and see for another two years.

Then I was told that I stayed because I have no option. I was angry. I was angry at myself. Where do I belong to? Which place suits me? What kind of job that makes me happy? What should I have doing now?

Don't make decision when you angry. You will not makes the right decision because it's all because of anger. Anger will only clouded your mind and heart which you will regret afterwards. But I need to be angry to force my self to wake up from this slumber sleep. Dreaming in this comfort zone which I've been hiding from the real me and the world of reality.

Currently I know I'm a joke to myself. I'm not being the best of me by doing this kind of job. This line of work. To add that this project it self is a joke to the everyone.

Questioning back myself. I am the one who is limiting my options. I am the one who is allowing somebody putting words into my head that I have no option. If I'm down, I'm the responsible one and no one else.

Get Out of my head

When words are sharper than knife

Stabbing my hearts again and again

Forcing me to realise

Who am I actually

Silence I have become

Wandering in my head

With watery eyes

I'm looking away

Looking for an answer

Get Out of my head

Is all I can think now

And I meant you

Have Faith in Me, Please

To the trouble heart that has been knocking on my door

What can I do for you my friend

Just please tell me what should I do

You can't just wandering around like that unconsciously

Crying silently in your own world

Alone with an empty room in your heart

Longing for something that is still far from your reach

Although your mind keep telling you to go for it

Your inner self is reaching out

Whilst your hand is pushing away

The eyes of sorrow is torn in between

As the spoken words makes the decision

You are hurting your self even more

Day by day and moment by moment

Although you say to your self that's it's okay

Determination and mind setting is more important

Do you know that your heart is in me as well

From the day you reach out from a far

As I hold and care for it like my own

Feeling the pain every time you cry

Out of the Closet

After being down for a few days, I realised that only I can bring myself up again. Need to stand back no matter how many times I fell down. It's not easy because every time feels like the first time. Too hard to think back. Too hard to realise back. Too hard to stand back again. No matter what, still need to regain back myself.

Saw a friend in the morning. Still seeing the cautious words and fence up so high. Selective words and control facial movement. Hard life and striving hard. Pulling and pushing at the same time. Control situasion but with un-control vibration in the air. I wish I can help but there is some that I can't interfere. But I'm willing to take in the physical pain if I need to so that my friend will be able to finish her works.

Anyway, I've got to go to another friend's house. The weather is too hot and I have no vehicle. Although I have big ego and pride, it's not helping me at this time. Calling for help from another friend for a ride will do me good.

Good brunch and get together with friends really is fun. My favorite dishes of all time with my favorite friends. And a toddler kept staring at me most of the time. I was laughing because he kept staring at me every time he sees me. He was staring at me a few weeks ago also. What did he sees? When I was hoping for some guy can't let his eyes of me and I found a toddler can't let his eyes of me. Funny.

Anyway, I braced my self telling my friends that I'm able to feels others emotion and able to ease the normal physical pain by touching. I was ready for comments and rejection from them. But today is my day so far. Not only they found it's amusing, I ended up touching and light rubbing their back one by one. When a friend said that I like having a vampire power and it's was funny and I feels so relax. What ever vampire or mutant, I'm just a human with lots of disabilities. I thank GOD for all the life and the given so far. Although sometimes I can't see or unable to accept what I am. I thank GOD for what I am.

Just because of one day

It's funny when you try to control your self and being good for a whole month and one day you just blow up. Just for a day only and people will judge you based on that one day.

It's the same with if you gave anyone a piece of white paper with a small black dot in the middle. People will focus on the dot instead of seeing the whole white colour around the dot.

Losing My Self

Few days ago I lost my self. I lost control of myself. I'm overflow with negativity inside of me and I'm down with depressed. I can't really think clearly and I really feel unwanted and not helping anyone around me including in my work. I kept making mistakes and feeling bad. I feels like giving up everything and became a loser. I punched and wall and the table. I said lots of bad things that makes me feels miserables afterwards.

I'm afraid. What if I failed to remain my sanity. What if I get confused all over again and ended up with mental depression or disorder like the rest. I need help but who should I turn to. People will just misunderstood me.

Am I a loser?

Yesterday, someone told me what I did was not appropriate. I tried to explain but I can't. Nobody will understand me because they can't feel what's inside my head and my heart. They can't understand what's I've been through. I'm not a strong person. But I do try to remain alive and live life. My life. Not anybody else's life although they kept interfering inside my head and my heart. They think it's a easy job to maintain sanity. They think it's easy to control and overcome things. They think when you are ok that's mean there will be no more problem. Things sounds easy with words. They have never seen the storm. They have never feels the chaos.

Where do I go from here?

I've cried my heart out last night and still crying now. Am I cursed or am I born with responsibility? What is my purpose of life? Why am I different from others? Why can't I just be normal like the rest of the population. My life could be a lot more easier. My heart could be a lot more happier. My head could be a lot more lighter.

Do I hate my self?

I don't now. I'm afraid to defined my self. I'm afraid to categorize my self.

Nothing in July 09 but something's going on

Nothing for the whole month of July. I was busy dealing with my mind and wondering what's happening. Something is different now days. Something is changing for the better.

Things that I learned I finally understood. Learning by heart and living it everyday. Trying to manage the gravity of the earth and the gravity inside of me. Trying to manage the noise from the outside and the mental noise inside of me. Trying to help myself and still trying to help others as well.

Can't help myself from still caring about others. I'm neither apathy nor sympathy. I'm empathy.

I sense something different now

Is it with the surrounding or is it me?

Things that I want to tell and explain

But I don't think they will able to understand

Yourself first

What you learn about yourself, you'll learn about others

What you know about yourself, you'll know about others

Learn about yourself first before you look at others

Know about yourself first before you judge others

Balance in Life - 1

If people can see and appreciate balance in life through win-win situation.

Notice and un-notice

People come and go

Notice and un-notice

Remembered and being forgotten

People that are left behind

Do they notice

They still have all the time in this world

Time to look back and make amend

Time to care and love

Time to have hope and move on

Getting hurt

By allowing myself getting hurt by others makes me realised that I'm still in the world of reality and makes me realised that I'm able to heal myself and overcome the obstacles. I'll be better than my yesterday.

Human and their heart - part 1

Sometimes I did not know how to explain what I've learned about human and their heart. It's something fascinated that I'm most attracted to and I'm not able to run away from. It's also more complicated and like a continuing process of life itself. I learned so much but sometimes I don't know how to put into words. It's like a huge amount of knowledge from each and every individual that I encountered everyday.  I do get confused most of the time but overtime I finally seems to understand little by little.

Every individual is very special in their own way and we must treat and see each individual as an individual them selves. Although their hearts seems familiar with other hearts but they are not the same. No human hearts are the same. That's makes them special as an individual. That makes them different from another person. 

I see human as an overall. Front and back, inside out. I see their feature, their movement and their expression. I hear their voice. The weight of their voice and the tones in their voice. The words they choose and the words they did not use. I see in their eyes, the passage to their heart. I sense their heartbeat and their heart. Sometimes it does not matter how, whether they are facing me or they are calling me over the phone or they are writing. 

Seems funny and unexplainable. This is where people misunderstood me most but it doesn't really matter because how hard I try to explain, they will not be able to understand although they will try to look like they understand. I will know but it's okay. Some did not understand and challenged me. Some just ignore and continue with their life. Some will try to look understand because they don't want to be left out. Some will just accept me just the way I am although they do not fully understood. Some do understand me some how with an open heart and this is what I called a miracle of life.

Some heart drawn me nearer. What ever they do and what ever they trying to express they do it with a sincere heart. I'm not sure how to put into words. Either they are naive or they are truthful to their own heart. Whether they are angry or frustrated or hatred or irritated or anxious or sad or happy or relief or relax, they just look so beautiful and genuine. This is where what ever condition they are into, it just won't push me away. This is where my eyes and heart are always soft for them. This is where I smile in silence and my heart calm in silence. This is where I listened with love in my heart and I'm willing to take in the pain with care in my heart.

Some heart makes me have the urgency to put a distant or a gap between us. Some people did not understand their own heart. Some people did not open their own heart. Some people did not listen to their own heart. Some people did not realise that they have a heart inside of them. Sometimes I just can't belief what I learned from them but I'm not in a position to judge them. Also it's not my part in this world to put a sentence to them nor to hate them. They must have their own reason and trauma that they have faced or experienced which makes they turn out to be what they are now. No matter how hard they try to put words into our mind or hearts, no matter how hard they are trying to put a false impression, no matter how hard they are trying to built a mask in front of them, all I can see is clouded passage in their eyes and a heart that is shut tightly inside of them. This is where I felt irritated and hatred very fast. But, again who am I in this world. 

Sometimes they cry for help and looks like they need all the help they can get. But with their heart shut tightly inside of them, all they want are actually for the world to feels sorry for them and all the attention that they can get. Excuses from their pains and miseries but they do not want to be heal anyway. They are pulling every one around them into the darkness of their heart and drowning them with their selfishness. Sometimes I do try to help them and open up their heart so they can realise and see the beauty of life and world around them. But I did not have enough strength in my heart to carry the weight of their world. The air around them is too heavy for me to breath in. I'm sorry but it's too challenging for me and I have my own heart and life to spare. May be I'm not the right person to save them and hope they will find the right people that can opened up their heart and save them from selves. Hopefully they will find the savior in them actually. That's the best gift they can get and give to them selves. The gift they will appreciate and cherish in their life. The gift nobody can give except them selves. It's so beautiful if only they can see, feels, understand and accept. 

Anyhow I wish calm heart in all the heart in this world. I wish they will find the happiness within them selves. I am no noble person and I myself have a weak and selfish heart. I'm nobody as I walked pass crowded of strangers and friends un-noticed each and everyday. I'm feeling the weight of their heart and their sorrow everyday and they don't even realised. I'm taking in their emotional and physical pain without they knowing anything just to ease their misery. I'm still nobody and I'm just one of them. I don't need appreciation or some sort of that.

The best gift for me is just genuine in people's heart and happiness within them selves. Just because I'm a very selfish person. I only want a good day to enjoy my life everyday and a good night sleep every night.

Continue moving on day after day

I smile in silence as my heart is calming down. Suddenly I'm feeling much better now although I felt a bit exhausted. It's okay. Typing from my heart as I'm listening to the songs playing from the music video at the same time. Tonight most of the songs seems good. Or is it because I feel good after able to drain the cup.

It is still a beautiful night although I need to rest early tonight. It is still a beautiful life although we need to fight just to survive another day. We shall keep on going and will be able to continue moving on day after day.

Suddenly tonight

I don't feel good tonight and my energy drained out so quickly suddenly at the same time. I feel dizzy and I've just vomited a couple of times. Something touched my heart so deep and I have tears in my eyes.

My heart is beating faster than usual and I now know what should I do. Placing my hands against my heart and praying for it to calm down. Filling my own heart with hope and love until it's calm and relax.

I know there is nothing wrong with me and I just need to rest early tonight. Hopefully I'll be okay the next day.

Beautiful words

When words come from a sincere heart. They are something that even I can't describe. So beautiful that they stays in my heart for a very long time. My heart feels so deep and I want to cherish as long as I can remember.

After been walking along this path of life with all the things that I knew and absorbs. I feels that I'm more like being cursed instead of being gifted. But today, I feels gifted and I feels wonderful.

I want to live

I'm soffucated and I can't breath properly
I'm drowning in the sea and swept away from the shore
I can't reach anything and there is nothing to hold on to
I feels like crying and I felt the urgency to surface

I need to resurface before I drowned any deeper
I need to find ways to survive myself
I need to make the effort to push myself upwards
I want to live and live life

Help needed

Suddenly today I felt bored
I have nothing to look forward to
And present situation is not encouraging

I need something that can light up my day
I need strength to live up the day
I need motivation to sustain the week

Please God I need your help
As I'm weak at heart and soul
As well and my mind and my strength

My former high school ex-headmistress passed away

Today I received a sad news about my former high school ex-headmistress passed away early this morning. It was quite a shocking news to all of the former students as she was a respectable person with a class of her own. A person which I'm very proud of along with the school. Still remembering the way she talked and the way she walked. And still remembering the way she looks and the way she made decisions. We have a nicknamed for her and she okay with it. How cool for a headmistress. Hope Allah bless her soul and may her soul be with amongst high place. Amin.

Broken glass

I broke a glass today. It was my fault and I was careless. Nothing can be done and I clean up the mess. Picking up every single pieces of the broken glass and hope nothing is left to injure my feet. Less a glass now but I was lucky that it's only a glass.

Just to remind myself

Be truthful to your heart and sincere to others

I'm nobody's burden

It seems funny somehow

When I thought about it

So strange yet feels so familiar

As I'm getting used to this heart

And accepting like my own

When I'm taking in the pain with care

I pray to God to reduce this misery

I'm willing to accept this burden

But I'm nobody's burden

I will stand as a friend

When a good friend need me most as a friend rather than as a colleague. That is what I'm willing to do with all my heart. I will think as a friend and I will stand as a friend.

As a friend, I won't stepping in nor stepping out. I will respect with what ever decision that have been made because I believe in my friend. A decision made for the good of self and the rest. A decision made for the good of present and the future. A decision made by the heart and from a thoughtful thinking.

Whether a friend want to stay or need to go, I won't lose a friend.

Don't misunderstood me

Don't misunderstood me for what I knew and why I'm not able to reveal everything.

I cried and yet I smiled. My heart hurt so much and yet I felt so relief. I have so much tears and yet I can finally open my eyes.

I made them my burden and yet they are not mine to start with. I made them my own just because I cared compared to the rest. I've just got my answer and finally I will let go half the burden. I'm strong enough to carry this weight but I will put it down.

I will always know and yet I will view from a distance. They will finally realised their own burden but it's up to them. Only time will tell them whether they are ready or not. Only they can tell them selves whether they can take it or not. Don't misunderstood me but it's not me to decide.

If they turn their face around and they will find me where I've been standing for some quite time, smiling with warm eyes and open heart. Because I still care.

Question and Answer

Not all questions need answers. Some are best left unanswered and some are best if being answered back by the questioner.

All around us

The world is full of information and knowledges

They are floating all around us

What can we do with them

What should we do with them

Can we use them to help ourself

Can we use them to help others

Where do we stand

What do we belief in

It's all depends on our heart

It's all depends on our action

If we can makes the world a better place

If we can makes our world a better place

Beyond the distance

As far as my hand can reach

As far as my eyes can see

As far as my ears can hear

My heart can go further

Far beyond the distance

Over the mountain and over the sea

Don't need any explanation

Don't need any excuses

Don't need any logical thinking

I just know

Beautiful sight that took my breath away

My eyes feels soft and make my heart  calm

Fresh breeze that touched lightly against my skin

Brushing away all the misery and pain

Observer

I am an observer

I am the observer

Human in nature

Human and their heart

Sometimes it's very fascinating

Sometimes they amused me

I smiles in silence

I frown in silence

Hope that I could tell

Hope that I'm able to tell

Emphasize

Some people emphasize things what they are actually telling their own inner selves.

They are busy building a different outer image of them selves for others to acknowledge and accept.

They never thought that they are actually disclose their own selves.

Music

A friend asked me why I did not move to the beat when I'm listening to a music. I never realised that I did not move at all. Am I not enjoying the music?

When there is a music or song that I like, usually I will hear it with my ears, feels it with my skin and listen it with my heart. I'm absorbing the whole and each of every bit of the it.

I'm enjoying it so deep and emotionally inside of me that I forgot everything outside of me. I forgot to move as well.

Today, my day is better than yesterday

Today, my day is better than yesterday.

A precious moment to cherish, being a better person, a feeling that left me smiling for hours.

Today is better than yesterday

Today,

We are better than our yesterday

If we don't think so,

Then it's not too late to create one

A moment better than yesterday

A person better than yesterday

A feeling better than yesterday

Life is beautiful

Life is beautiful when we care to listen and we listen with care

Time

Time waits for no one

If only we are able to stop just for a while

We try to see things with our souls

And we listen with our hearts

We will realized the things that we missed

That passed us by without knowing

We never realised when or why or where

At that time we will finally know

That we will able to catch up back

The things that we already missed

Calm sea is a very beautiful sight when the storm have cleared

I went hanging out with my buddies last night and ended up sleeping quite late. Was thinking about waking up late and chill out the rest of the day. Anyway what I planned is only a plan.

Early morning I was disturbed by this uneasiness that suddenly makes me awake from my sleep. I could not go back to sleep as this feeling so intense and feels like a bit of hatred. I know it's not mine and it must have reason why it reached me. I know it's pushing and pulling at the same time.

I waited for a few hours hoping for this feeling to cool down because it might be there in the other heart for only temporary. Since the storm just won't move away. I know it's the right moment to make a move.

I have listened, I have been patient, I made a move and I waited.

I listened and suddenly I smiled. The storm in the other heart have cleared and the sea is calm for the time being. It's good at least for the moment.

Calm sea is a very beautiful sight when the storm have cleared.

Forgotten Language of the Heart

A Language I was born with

A Language before any other language

Known it all my life but unable to understand it

Now it's time to learn back the language that I was born with

And it's time to learn from the begin although it seems familiar

I must be patient if I want to master it

And I must master it

I will master it

Since I've already halfway now

Writing back again

A few months ago a good friend of mine been asking me why all my writing seems so sad and suggested me to write something happy. I will try as I said to her. I create a new blog for my happy things but leave it blank until now. I did try but I just can't think of anything to write in that blog. Then a few days ago the same good friend asking me again why suddenly I did not write anymore. I told her that I was quite busy and very tired for the passed weeks.

Now I'm writing back again and now my writings will be quite different from the previous one as part of me just woke up from the slumber sleep all this while.

Thank you to my good friend for still reading my blog although most of it quite difficult to understand.

It's a tough world but I just can't let my self down

Suddenly this morning words just pop up in my minds. It just emerge out of no where.

"It's a tough world but I just can't let my self down".

There always saying about help yourself first before you are able to help others or saying about loves yourself first then you are able to loves others. But I just don't get it and able to accept it since all this time I'm putting everyone else before me.

The first time I was thinking about my self and it feels good.

What A World Now Days

Yesterday morning I was feeling dizzy and feels like I can vomit anytime. I have tears in my eyes and I was blinking hard all the time to get rid of the tears. Trying to pull myself together. I know the cup nearly full and it's time for me to drain it before I lose my mind. I'm breathing deeply and waiting for the moment. I know the moment will come for me to vomit and drained the cup. It was less than a week and the cup nearly full. What a week and what a world now days.

At last the moment comes and I rushed downstairs. It was a painful moment but I'm used to it. Suddenly I'm feeling okay and able to smile. It was like nothing had happen and I'm fresh all over again. Something that I'm used to also except that I'm a bit exhausted and had a harsh voice.

Go and find positive energy I was told but where is the positive energy when all I can sense is negative in the air. What a sad world now days when everyone is swallowing their dreams and letting go their own happiness just to survive this world. What a heavy world now days when everyone is carrying burdens on their shoulders all day all around. What a tense world now days when everyone is tied and boundary is all around them.

Again, what a world now days.

Today, I give up

Today, I give up

I don't have strength for the day

To the trouble heart I heard the other night

To the trouble heart that I heard the other night

I'm sorry that I overheard but I'm not sorry for what I am

May be that you may not understand and you may not know

But I know that you have a sincere heart and feelings

Each individual is special and that's including you

"Beautiful" is for you and so is "A Person's Worth"

You are a great person and don't you ever forget that

Amplified and high definition world inside of me

I'm sorry that I'm able to feels other's emotions

I'm sorry that I'm able to hears other's heartbeats

It's not something that I want or I seek

It's not something that I enjoy or taking pleasure

I'm not trying to interfere with people's privacy

I'm not taking advantage with people's situation

It's a chaos I feels inside of me which made me confuse

It's a crowded room full of various and different heartbeats

I'm just a human, an individual and some sort kind of different

I'm no special or weird and I'm just like the rest of the population

It's just like having an amplifier connected to all my sense

It's just like having an extra receiver connected to my heart

Trouble heart

To this trouble heart that I'm hearing tonight

Why are you feeling so sad?

I know that you may be lonely

But why do you give up so soon

It's not the answer and it won't solved anything

So don't give up yet

Suddenly I understand

How come I've never realise it before

After all this years I've been shouting and crying

How come it takes me years to understand

After all this years I've been searching for the answer

I thought that I'm cursed and nearly going insane

It's a crowded room inside of me and I can hardly breath

I can't control my thoughts and my feelings

All become so loud, so uncertain, so deep and so tragic

But now I start to listen slowly

To the sound of the waves and the heartbeats

A true feelings and emotions deep inside

That can't never portrait by the outside

And now I'm able to feels and able to separate

The emotions that are actually mine which I can keep

And the emotions that have been passing through my door

Which I can choose to let inside or leave outside

It was never about me

A few days ago I finally got part of the answer I've searching for all the while. I finally understand all that I've been through all this years. My anger, my pain, my sickness, my misery and all. I thought it's all mine. I've been confused and felt so different. I'm always been misunderstood and I'm not able to explain why.

Why do I think so differently and why do I felt so differently. Why do I angry all the time and cried at the same time. Why do I suddenly fall sick and able to recover the next day. Why do I suddenly felt my chest too tight and unable to breath that I cough continuously when actually I'm not sick. Why do I suddenly I felt like my heart had been stab that it hurts so much and I cry because I just can't stand the pain I felt inside.

They are all not mine actually. I've never thought so all this time.

Is it a curse that I can feels other's pain? Is it a tragedy that I can feels other's misery? Is it a problem that I can feels other's anger? Is it a weakness that I can feels other's feeling?

It was never about me. I can't deny what I am and I can't pretend I didn't know.

How can I help others?

God I need strength and courage to help others.

God I need guidance how to ease their pain and misery.

I saw the lightning outside my window. I heard the thunder following through. I'm writing what I feel like right now. Whilst I'm listening to the music that I copied from a friend. I like what I'm listening to right now. The rain start pouring outside. My heart feels calmed and at ease. 

Most people misunderstand me. They always thought I am what they thought. I'm not good at explaining things. I'm worst at expressing my self. I stumbled at each and every words that comes out from my mouth. Always ended up saying the wrong things at the wrong time.

I can't tell others what I felt. I unable to share what I saw. I'm keeping inside of me what I heard. The things that touches me. The sounds that soothe my ears. The beauty that makes my heart beat faster than usual. 

I ended up listening instead of talking. I ended up smiling and remained in silence. 

The calls

Be aware of what you are seeking

They are responding to all your calls

By uttering words or have just a slight thought

You're blowing horn on the mountain top

You deserve all the things you wish for

So just be sure of what you desire and want

Wether it is for lust, love, misery or bliss

You make your choice and you created your life

Existence

Is the reason of your existence same with the reason you wanted to be remained exist

Beautiful

Don't have to make this picture perfect

It's just so beautiful from any angle I'm looking at

More beautiful each and every time

You don't have to worry about what's lacking

I'm seeing the beauty that's glowing from inside

That you never realize are actually the beauty

The self, soul, heart and mind are the strengths

The rest are just complimentary

What is inside already complete the outside

If only you can understand and able to accept

Then you will see the beauty I held in the eyes

And you will find the things you longed to cherish

I won't forgive

You who have hurt me can walk where ever you want except along my path

You can be where ever you want except beside me or in front of me

I do not wish to collide or to have a sight of you anywhere and anyhow

I won't revenge but I won't forgive either

You can have a great life or you can screwed up other people's life

You can change to a better person or you can find your self a new victim

I do not wish to know what you do or what you have done and also your whereabout

I won't make things worst just that I still won't forgive

For a dear friend of mine

Emailed that I sent to a dear friend on 14th January 2009 when I heard about the sad news about her stillborn son could not survived the world.

Everybody is fighting their own league. Everybody have their own share of pain and happiness. Everybody is trying to survive and be better than their yesterday. Everybody is a survivor and everybody is a hero.

________________________________________________

Dear (My Friend),

I've heard about the news from (Another Friend),

I'm deeply very sorry, sad and hurt.

But if I said that I knew how sad that you feel inside, I'm wrong.

And if I said that I knew how hurt the pain that you felt, I'm wrong.

I can only say that only you can actually felt the sadness and the pain.

I'm really so sorry.

How I wish I can ease the sadness and the pain that you felt inside you.

How I wish I can shared the burden with you.

How I wish I can enlighten the world around you now so you can smile again.

Allah had better plan for you and I pray to Allah that the future will be easy for you.

I hope you will be patient with this situation and I know that you are a very brave and strong lady. You have always am.

You can count on me for emotionally support and I will always be your friend.

Take care and get well soon.

Imperfection

Imperfection, beauty as it is

One word, unused by others

Unwanted, yet desired by all

Imperfection, courage as it is

One word, to describe the rest

Unbounded, yet part of this life

The life and the journey

I don't mind if I still can't see what is it beyond my fist because I still can think about it again and again until I'm sure what I want my fate to be.

Even if I only find it at the end of my life, I still can be satisfied with it because life is not about what I want finally in the end. I know it is important but to me life is about my own journey.

It doesn't really matter although I felt both the pain and the joy. It doesn't really matter when I suffered the years of misery and had a minute of bliss. I'm happy when I'm able to cherish every minutes that I can remember.

Currently what I want is to stay and I need no reason to give myself or others. It's what my heart told me and it's what I'm going to do. To stay it is as long as chances given to stay.

One of the people

I see some people

They are busy trying to impress others

And they forgot the existence of the other heart

I see some people

They are busy talking about them selves

And they forgot the existence of the other soul

I see some people

They are busy to be the centre of everything

And they forgot the existence of the balance in life

I see some people

And I am one of them

Could I be the same as them

Things could happened

Where did I gone wrong

I'm digging up grave searching for clues

Yet instead of finding what I'm searching for

I'm digging more and more graves

I felt that I'm messing up more things

I don't know if I'm doing good or am I needed

Things looks like out of my reach

And more things out of my control

But I'm not ready to give in

And I'm still refuse to give up yet

What if they have given up on me

And what if I'm not needed anymore

Things could happened

And I have no confident in myself

What do I missed right now?

Only one thing inside my mind right now. Should be McD's prosperity burger. One thing I'm looking forward every year but I haven't have the chance for the last two years now. They should have the same thing here in the local Mc'D but too bad they don't celebrate the new year here. I guess that I have to wait patiently till the time comes and I know it's going to take a very long time. Really long time because I'm planning to stay here longer.

Beyond my fist

My Street Fighter favourite quotes.

Master : Ken, what do you see beyond your fist?

Ken : My fate.

Still remembering the moment when I watched the anime. When is it? I think more than ten years ago. What do I see beyond my fist? Nothing. What would my fate will be? I don't know where my fate is leading me. May be I should start creating one. But, what is it?

My right knee is in pain. Due to old injury. Too many injuries that I can recalled. Falls from the bike or falls down during hiking and mountain climbing or from sparring. Anyway, this pain irritates me. I guess that I should overcome this pain. Stretching a bit would be nice. But after stretching, I guess doing back a bit an old pole form that I still can remember when others already rusted and being forgotten. Sweating and tired, I laid on the cold floor. My right knee doesn't hurt that much now.

Still thinking. What will it be beyond my fist. Still seeing nothingness. Slowly I look at my palm. What do I have now? I'm not seeing anything except for my two head lines. What is my energy except that for protecting others. What is my strength except that for guiding others. Why do I always can feels the pain of others. Why do I always can trace the reaction and changes in others. Why do my heartbeats can always able to sense the things before it happen? Is it a good or bad thing? For me? Is it a gift or a curse? I don't know. Why do I always put others first beyond me. I'm not strong or anything. Why people always look at me as somebody that they can trust and lean to. What do they see that I can't see in me.

Still, I can't see my fate beyond my fist.

It's not for them to know

Some people always asked me how I can always look happy and jovier with all the energy in me. They never knew the sadness and all the sorrows in side of me. Anyway, it's not for them to know. How do I kept it all hidden? All I can say that it's not hidden anywhere. It was all inside of me all the time. All this heavy lugages and the things that's pulling me down time to time. I just segregate the two of them.

The happy and unhappiness. I choose one of them one at a time. I write down all my worries and pains and I kept them here actually. When all of them are well kept and in safe place for me to pick later, I can faced the world and sought the happiness in life. I can create lots of crazy ideas and accomplish lots of things.

Strength for the day

Been listening to "Eternal" by Evanescence repeatly now. The same song I've been listening when I get the news about my aunt last week. I need the strength for the day. For today only.

At least. It's enough for temporary.

I need the strength in my eyes and my soul. I need the strength to complete my tasks. I need the strength to live for the day.

Today and now. I will get myself the strength.

Gather the strength

This week, my body felt so tired and my mind felt so exhausted
I fell down too much and I've trying to climb up too many times
My knees were weak now and people keep pushing me down

Today is the third day of the week and another two days to go
I can't stay like this for the whole week or I will be down forever
I felt so tired now but I'm more tired of this situation

I need to think again this time from the basic
I need to gather all the strength that's is left in me
I need to be firmed on my ground so I won't fall again

Mom's crying voice

Hearing my mom's crying voice already hurts me like hell
I know I will not cry no matter how much it hurts me

For mom, I will be strong and give her strength
For mom, I will be calm and give her comfort

I know mom's still sad about my aunt
Every little things irritates her and hurts her

I pray and hope for mom to be strong again
I pray and hope for mom's heart to be heal again

Overcome fear

It's only the first day of the week and I've already felt very tired. It's only twelve past nine at night and I've already felt very sleepy. I'm trying to stay awake as I'm trying at least to release something out of my head. Listening to Michelle Branch's songs as I continue typing. Another four days to go and I can't hardly wait. Sound a bit sad as I can't enjoying the days and I hope the weeks goes by quickly. Like a person who's trying to continuously spinning the wool just to forget the worries and ended up being old before time.

Trying to remember things that will give me something and can makes me strong and strive on. But currently in this tired mind of mine, I'm remembering the day when my friend tricked me into wearing the safety jacket and pushed me into the fast flowing river when she knows that I'm terrified of water. Any kind of water either deep water or fast flowing water terrified me and leaves me trauma. That moment when I cried and yelled so hard in my life because I was so terrified with fear and panic. That moment when my friend laugh so hard and shouted that I'm going to be alright. Swept away by the current until I have no more voice and energy left to shout.

When suddenly I was calmed and floating. Thanks to the safety jacket when I thought I was going to be swept away and die. Thanks to my friend that I was be able to overcome my fear. Although I'm still afraid of water but it's not as bad as before. The lesson that I cherished and won't forget easily.

My friend was right and I was alright.

Courage is

Courage is

Still being afraid but insisted to move on and goes on

Courage is

To swallow my own pain so that I can smile to ease the pain of others

Courage is

To be able to look into the eyes of others and give hopes

Courage is

To take everyone under my wings in any case if needed

Courage is

What I want so I will be able to guide and protect the people I care

The weather today

The weather that represent inside of me today
Although it's rainy and gloomy day

But it does not stop me from being jovier
And it does not stop me from being my own self

Need to separate this feelings of mine and the reality
Will open up my eyes and my mind

As it won't do me good
To waste my time with this situation

I will fight as long I can think of the ways to fight back
I will move on as long as my heart permitted it to be strong

Does my heart's hurt? I don't know

I went out with a friend yesterday and she asked me how do I take the bad news that she told me previously about the other person that really concern me. I was silent for a while thinking of my next reaction. Jokingly I told her that I didn't really mind and as usual I do makes lot of jokes about lots of things and others. This is something that I've been aware for a very long time and guess that I've put some precaution inside of me so that it would not hurt me so much when the time finally arrived. The time when some confirmation being make and done and at last somebody feels it's the right thing and it's the right time to tell me.

I think that she would think that I might be a bit heartbroken by the news but actually I don't really know how do I felt. I've been set aside my feeling temporarily and I haven't really decide if it should really hurt my heart or not. Or am I running away from this feeling so that it would not hurt so much? I'm not sure. There is something about it that I've been thinking. Some similarity that only I knew and I've been thinking for my next action about how should I feels and my reaction.

It's raining and beautiful

I woke at midnight after suddenly I heard of something
The sounds so familiar that I feels like home
I walked to the window to see what's happening outside
I opened the window widely and look outside
I saw the lighting and heard the sound of thunder
It's raining tonight and it's beautiful
Now I can sleep soundly and it's feels a bit like home

All seems good

Today it looks like the normal usual day

But the atmosphere seems difference from any other day

Today I start to smile back again

Warm eyes and funny jokes with colleagues and friends again

Today I thought I saw the gleams of the eyes

Only a split seconds I thought I didn't care but it caught my eyes

Today I feel that my senses makes me feel good

The way I think, I feel, I see, I hear and everything all seems good

Eye Tricks?

Why every objects has it's layer
Why every living things is glowing

Makes me wonder
Makes me think

I could not stop from staring
I could not stop from being amused

Is my eyes playing trick with me
Is there anybody can explain to me

Things happened for a reason

There are things that will pull us down and wash us away
But we will think of a way to surface

There are things that will make us torn and bleed
But we will think of a way to heal

There are things that will make us fall to the ground
But we will think of a way to stand up

There are things that will make us cry and ache
But we will think of a way to smile back

No matter how hurt or hard it was
Things happened for a reason

The price we are paying

One the way to the office this morning, my friend told me that he just got the sad news about my aunt. I could not tell anyone in the office yesterday because I'm too sad. I can't utter a single word. He told me that it's the price that we have to pay for working here. Far from our family. I told him that I understand. The price we have to pay. One tear drop from my eye. Pretending that it does not really matter to me and I'm still off to the office today. The price we have to bear. We are surviving on the far land and it tooks sacrifice that we have to pay and live with.

No self pity

I've been listening to the same song since yesterday. I've lost count how many time coz it has been played over and over again. It does not really matter. Other songs will only makes me cry. Which I do not want. Some people thought I'm tough. Which I'm not. I'm weak and afraid.

The last thing that I want is to have self pity towards my own self. It's the only one that will bring me down. I'm fighting off this feeling. Self pity is a self destructive mode that will destroy anyone including me. I've already given up on this mode a very long time ago and I would not let it come back to me again. I will make things turn the other way round and it's going to be alright again no matter how it hurts. I'll be alright.

More bad news

A friend called me this morning because she needs to tell me one news that's concern me. She was actually asking me if she can tell me because she does not want to ruin my day early in the morning. What can I say since she already told me the intention so just spill it out and I will be ok. Silently I thought that what other bad things can ruined my day when I've already have the news about my aunt passed away earlier.

My heart's already worsen since morning so the news that I heard from my friend does not really bother me at all although it is a bad news. I was quite calm and said to my friend that I understand and accept it with open mind and heart.

Life moves on.

My aunt went to a better place

The usual weekly telephone call to my mother. It went as usual, relax and casual. Until at the end of the conversation my mom told me to pray for my aunt. I was stunned. I asked mom when?. "Last Friday". Just simple answer and direct to the point. Again I asked another question where? "Trengganu, but uncle brought back the body to Johore" replied mom. Why Trengganu? The answers really break my heart.

It looks that none of my sisters and brother knew about it. Or else they've already informed me earlier. Or did they actually care? They never care or they are too busy caring about themselves. What ever.

At last there are no more pain and sorrow for my aunt. I was a bit relief but my heart's really hurt. I asked mom when uncle is going to die and can I pray uncle to die sooner? Calmly mom said that God won't answer bad prayer and bad intention. I know. But it still hurt. I asked mom not to feel sad and don't cry too much.

Still hurt and I can't ease the pain. Trying to fight back the tears. I can't talk and I can't eat. I can't think. I'm trying to erase the memories coz it's too painful. Still fighting back the tears. God loves my aunt and I know she's in much more better place now.

My brain won't stop thinking

As I was sitting on the couch alone at home tonight. Listening to the music and holding a book in my hand at the same time. Trying to finish off the book as I have delayed it for several weeks now. Distracted by the one Japanese song, I stop for a while. Listening and enjoying every notes like it was the first time I heard it. I don't have to understand to enjoy something nice.

I walked to the window and opened it. Letting the fresh cool air into the room. I seldom open the window due to sounds of the people chattering at the nearby restaurant. But tonight is quite peaceful. Still looking out the window and the night is quite dark. No full moon tonight? I was hoping to see one. I guess there is no perfect night when we are expecting it to be perfect. So decided to accept the beauty of imperfection and make tonight is a beautiful one whether it's perfect or not. It does not really matter as long as I'm enjoying it.

Sitting back on the couch and wondering about lots of things. With the book now on the coffee table, untouched and Japanese music still playing. I have lots of things in my mind and I guess that I just can't stop thinking. My brain was never satisfied of being relaxed like my muscles and other parts of my body. My brain keeps talking to itself and trying putting into words for every memories that I've experienced and feels. Trying to compose everything the way it want. Never satisfied until weird but beautiful sentences being created. I guess that I have no choice but to write down in my blog.

Happy for a good friend

Today, a good friend told me about a miracle that happened to her. "WOW!". Really, it's really a miracle and I'm so happy for her. It could happened once in a life time but really hope that it can happen again to her. For her. "WOW!" again. She did got something that she can tell her grandchildren. She is really one tough lady and she has been working hard all this time to survive and to make her life better. This miracle do makes her day and makes her happy. As long as she is happy, that's alright with me.

It's not a bad day after all

I had a hectic day in the office

Down with migraine and stomach cramp

I'm fighting off and surviving the day

All I want is the day to be over

Rushing back home and relaxing on the sofa

Loosening my muscle and lighten my shoulder

Listening to the music

That is playing to soothe up my mind

Close my eyes and enjoying the night

Another day tomorrow that I can wait

Tonight is mine and I will make it full

It's not a bad day after all

I can't be angry at you

Looks like I'm going to throw a punch at anytime. Or is that what they've been expected.

"I can't be angry at you".

I was walking pass by the person and I said the sentences again.

"I can't be angry at you".

I was actually angry at that time and that person did makes me angry.

Ironically I'm not angry with that person.

My voice did raised and sounds harsh.

But my eyes were soft.

I can't flip over pages

Finally I did told someone

That I can't flip over pages

My fingers' too soft that they can't grip the paper

Something I'm very shy about

Just because I think everyone can do

Except me

Making Sense

I found lots of things lately

Which affected me somehow

Without me realising it

From the begining it has been

From the way people behaved

Some are beautiful and

Some are quite a heartache

Some that I could hear

Some that I would listen

It's making sense now

It's becoming quite clear now

Anger

The anger is building inside of me

Towards others and surrounding

But more at my own self and life itself

I am at worst when I am angry

That's why cooling down is needed

Before I get any worst and will hate myself afterwards

I need to think and re think

I need to control my thought and my action

I need to channel out my energy before it goes to my brain

Need to think that things will get better

Hopefully things can get better

It's not too late and I must not give up

My 150th Friend

Least favorite things that I like about my self

Is my anger and my temper

Things even I myself can't control

I can't listen to others including my parents and friends

The more they try to calm me

The more I resist and boil

But suddenly comes the 150th friend

A friend but not naturally a friend

Which suddenly makes me able to calm down

By the look in the eyes only, I'm willing to listen

Things About My Self

Lately there are some kind of trend where friends create questionaires and tagged other friends. At first I thought the people who created all this tag things have lots of free time or does not have other things to do. I also thought at first that they are silly things. But since I was tagged by friends, so I might as well took the challenge. Then I realised that it was really hard to answer all the question although they are all only about myself. All this time and I do not have any idea about me and things that connected to me. I'm a stranger to myself.

I sit down in deep thought. Who am I. Reading the questionaire one by one. Repeating again and again. The first few sentences were quite hard because I seems have forgotten the memories of my childhood, all the things that I like and dislike, what I want to be and what I want to do. It was like searching back the lost me that have been forgotten. One after another the question seems easy now and I can answer either long or short. Now I can even describe in detail and connect to other things that I like and want.

Thanks to all my friends and their challenges, I'm found back the missing pieces of me. Now I realised nearly all the things about my self.

A Person's Worth

A person worth my respect

They don't need to pay attention to me

And they don't need to win me over

They can be what ever they want to be

And they can choose to be themselves

They can fight for what they believe in

And they can show their anger when they are angry

A person worth my respect

They are not afraid to show their fear

And the sorrow in their heart when they are sad

They are not afraid to make me angry

And their selfishness if they need to

They can fight although they are bleeding

And still move on to survive till the end

A person worth my respect

A person I will protect when ever I could

A person I won't deserted no matter how

I have a good day

The day finally arrived. The day when my age turned a year older.

Actually I'm looking forward for the day and being anxious at the same time.

Was worried that if it turned out the other way round.

I was lucky. I was happy on the day.

Hearing my mom's singing and wishing to me. My dad's wishes. Also a call from another sister. Including wishes in text messaging from my other sisters.

Hearing my good friend's voice, singing and wishing to me. The voice I seldom hear. The voice I've been waiting to hear. The voice that can calm my heart.

What else I'm wishing for the day.

I'm full and grateful.

Added with all the wishes from my friends, colleagues and the team. The lunch gathering and the cakes. It do makes me feels nervous and shy a bit because I'm not used to it.

Anyhow, I'm overloaded and could not stop smiling.

I have a good day and it was fun.

Back to self

My head and my heart felt a bit relief after decided to stay put and yet to free myself from any feelings. I don't really know if this is the best for me but I knew that this is what I want currently. Now I can concentrate back to what I like to do and what I like to think about.

I must have been kidding myself

Can we stop the wind from blowing? Can we chain the cloud to the ground? I guess not. Then what have I been thinking? I must have been kidding myself. Trying to change myself to be a different person. So different I seems like a stranger that I was never even comfortable with.

Realised that I'm trying to persuade my self to be the person I should be. More likely the person people want me to be. But it's not the person I want to be. I have my own problems and also lot of issues. So what?

I thought I like a person because of the differences which seems complete me but I realised that we have the same issues. The unsolved issues that I knew deep inside of me will never change. It looks like I'm looking into the mirror and seeing my own self in a different world.

There, problem solved. I need not think anymore. No need to make decision because I don't need to change or to chain myself.

Reasons to stay. Do I need one?

Been thinking about all the reasons that I can think off for me to stay here. Been thinking why should I need a reason at all when I don't really like it here. I just can decide when ever I want to decide. But still. Why does this heart of mine want to stay as long as I could if chances given. Then why do I need any reason to stay or to leave when my heart already makes the decision.

To stay it is as long chances given to stay.

My head been cracking it's way most of the day to find the answer when my heart already firm with the answer from the begining.

I will listen to my heart this time.

But, is the decision to stay made by my heart got anything to do with that person?. I guess this time my head need to be involved and I should consider and appreciate it.

Is that alright with you

With all the crimes and wrong doings I've done before
It's not that easy for me to forget

As all the dark years still vivid in my eyes
I can still smells the air like it only happened a second ago

With dry blood on my shirt and loaded gun still in my hand
How am I able to let go and give my gun away

I have no excuse for all the things that I've done
I have waste my life but I have no regret

Is that alright with you
To take me as I am

Please take my gun away from my hand
As I'm afraid that I may pull the trigger again

Can do and Can't do

We can't change the World but

We can change our World

What can we do?

What we can do, we'll do

What we can't do, actually we can do

With some change in our life

Or with some sacrifice in our need

And taking some risks that we are ready to bear

Little or big

One step to continuous steps

We can do what we can't do

Don't stuck your own self in your self

There are times that we feels like trying something new or different but we are unable to do so. There are also times that we feels like letting go and move on but we got stuck at the same place again and again. It's like we kept walking around and around without us realizing it.

So what's stopping us anyway?

What's holding us anyway?

Have we ever think about the situation when we are in school? When the teacher ask us to solve a problem on the blackboard? Standing there in front the board, our brain became blank and our eyes became blur. We stood stiffed for a very long time. We felt lousy and helpless. It could be a simple problem but we just can't see it. And it happened differently the other way round if it's a friend that had been called by the teacher to solve the problem. Sitting there from our place we can see the answer of the problem. All seems related and easy.

I guess the best way to solve our problem is either trying to see it from a different view at least. Trying to imagine that the problem belongs to someone else and it's like we are seeing it from a distance. Trying to feels from a different shoes or a birds eye view. I guess it could be simpler to understand instead of being blank or blur.

Another way is asking a reliable friend for an opinion but at that point we must be able and ready to hear or accept what they are going to say. The decision still ours but the ability to hear another persons point of view or advice without raising our fortress is not an easy work. But it helps if we keep our mind and heart open. It's not an easy situation but it do helps us a lot. It's time saving and also helps us from headache and heartache. Sometimes we never thought about the time and pain that we wasted due to our own ignorance and stupidity. Also about our arrogance and so called high standard. No wonder we said the world is not an easy place to live in and we can't cope with it.

We never realized that the earth is the only planet that we got and the only place that accepted us the way we are.

So, don't stuck your own self in your self.

The pain of the dear one

When I look into those eyes

Those unhappy sad eyes

I thought that it's pity that I felt

But when I felt that pain which strike my heart

I can't barely breath at first

I'm trying hard to gain control of myself

I'm staying put instead of reaching out my hands

No matter how much I wish to calm those eyes

The feeling that I thought that I've let go and get over with

Somehow and somewhat

It's only what I said to myself

Which I thought good for me and everybody else

I've told myself over and over again

Don't cry and don't show my heart

No matter how hard it is