I have a good day

The day finally arrived. The day when my age turned a year older.

Actually I'm looking forward for the day and being anxious at the same time.

Was worried that if it turned out the other way round.

I was lucky. I was happy on the day.

Hearing my mom's singing and wishing to me. My dad's wishes. Also a call from another sister. Including wishes in text messaging from my other sisters.

Hearing my good friend's voice, singing and wishing to me. The voice I seldom hear. The voice I've been waiting to hear. The voice that can calm my heart.

What else I'm wishing for the day.

I'm full and grateful.

Added with all the wishes from my friends, colleagues and the team. The lunch gathering and the cakes. It do makes me feels nervous and shy a bit because I'm not used to it.

Anyhow, I'm overloaded and could not stop smiling.

I have a good day and it was fun.

Back to self

My head and my heart felt a bit relief after decided to stay put and yet to free myself from any feelings. I don't really know if this is the best for me but I knew that this is what I want currently. Now I can concentrate back to what I like to do and what I like to think about.

I must have been kidding myself

Can we stop the wind from blowing? Can we chain the cloud to the ground? I guess not. Then what have I been thinking? I must have been kidding myself. Trying to change myself to be a different person. So different I seems like a stranger that I was never even comfortable with.

Realised that I'm trying to persuade my self to be the person I should be. More likely the person people want me to be. But it's not the person I want to be. I have my own problems and also lot of issues. So what?

I thought I like a person because of the differences which seems complete me but I realised that we have the same issues. The unsolved issues that I knew deep inside of me will never change. It looks like I'm looking into the mirror and seeing my own self in a different world.

There, problem solved. I need not think anymore. No need to make decision because I don't need to change or to chain myself.

Reasons to stay. Do I need one?

Been thinking about all the reasons that I can think off for me to stay here. Been thinking why should I need a reason at all when I don't really like it here. I just can decide when ever I want to decide. But still. Why does this heart of mine want to stay as long as I could if chances given. Then why do I need any reason to stay or to leave when my heart already makes the decision.

To stay it is as long chances given to stay.

My head been cracking it's way most of the day to find the answer when my heart already firm with the answer from the begining.

I will listen to my heart this time.

But, is the decision to stay made by my heart got anything to do with that person?. I guess this time my head need to be involved and I should consider and appreciate it.

Is that alright with you

With all the crimes and wrong doings I've done before
It's not that easy for me to forget

As all the dark years still vivid in my eyes
I can still smells the air like it only happened a second ago

With dry blood on my shirt and loaded gun still in my hand
How am I able to let go and give my gun away

I have no excuse for all the things that I've done
I have waste my life but I have no regret

Is that alright with you
To take me as I am

Please take my gun away from my hand
As I'm afraid that I may pull the trigger again

Can do and Can't do

We can't change the World but

We can change our World

What can we do?

What we can do, we'll do

What we can't do, actually we can do

With some change in our life

Or with some sacrifice in our need

And taking some risks that we are ready to bear

Little or big

One step to continuous steps

We can do what we can't do

Don't stuck your own self in your self

There are times that we feels like trying something new or different but we are unable to do so. There are also times that we feels like letting go and move on but we got stuck at the same place again and again. It's like we kept walking around and around without us realizing it.

So what's stopping us anyway?

What's holding us anyway?

Have we ever think about the situation when we are in school? When the teacher ask us to solve a problem on the blackboard? Standing there in front the board, our brain became blank and our eyes became blur. We stood stiffed for a very long time. We felt lousy and helpless. It could be a simple problem but we just can't see it. And it happened differently the other way round if it's a friend that had been called by the teacher to solve the problem. Sitting there from our place we can see the answer of the problem. All seems related and easy.

I guess the best way to solve our problem is either trying to see it from a different view at least. Trying to imagine that the problem belongs to someone else and it's like we are seeing it from a distance. Trying to feels from a different shoes or a birds eye view. I guess it could be simpler to understand instead of being blank or blur.

Another way is asking a reliable friend for an opinion but at that point we must be able and ready to hear or accept what they are going to say. The decision still ours but the ability to hear another persons point of view or advice without raising our fortress is not an easy work. But it helps if we keep our mind and heart open. It's not an easy situation but it do helps us a lot. It's time saving and also helps us from headache and heartache. Sometimes we never thought about the time and pain that we wasted due to our own ignorance and stupidity. Also about our arrogance and so called high standard. No wonder we said the world is not an easy place to live in and we can't cope with it.

We never realized that the earth is the only planet that we got and the only place that accepted us the way we are.

So, don't stuck your own self in your self.

The pain of the dear one

When I look into those eyes

Those unhappy sad eyes

I thought that it's pity that I felt

But when I felt that pain which strike my heart

I can't barely breath at first

I'm trying hard to gain control of myself

I'm staying put instead of reaching out my hands

No matter how much I wish to calm those eyes

The feeling that I thought that I've let go and get over with

Somehow and somewhat

It's only what I said to myself

Which I thought good for me and everybody else

I've told myself over and over again

Don't cry and don't show my heart

No matter how hard it is