I saw the lightning outside my window. I heard the thunder following through. I'm writing what I feel like right now. Whilst I'm listening to the music that I copied from a friend. I like what I'm listening to right now. The rain start pouring outside. My heart feels calmed and at ease. 

Most people misunderstand me. They always thought I am what they thought. I'm not good at explaining things. I'm worst at expressing my self. I stumbled at each and every words that comes out from my mouth. Always ended up saying the wrong things at the wrong time.

I can't tell others what I felt. I unable to share what I saw. I'm keeping inside of me what I heard. The things that touches me. The sounds that soothe my ears. The beauty that makes my heart beat faster than usual. 

I ended up listening instead of talking. I ended up smiling and remained in silence. 

The calls

Be aware of what you are seeking

They are responding to all your calls

By uttering words or have just a slight thought

You're blowing horn on the mountain top

You deserve all the things you wish for

So just be sure of what you desire and want

Wether it is for lust, love, misery or bliss

You make your choice and you created your life

Existence

Is the reason of your existence same with the reason you wanted to be remained exist

Beautiful

Don't have to make this picture perfect

It's just so beautiful from any angle I'm looking at

More beautiful each and every time

You don't have to worry about what's lacking

I'm seeing the beauty that's glowing from inside

That you never realize are actually the beauty

The self, soul, heart and mind are the strengths

The rest are just complimentary

What is inside already complete the outside

If only you can understand and able to accept

Then you will see the beauty I held in the eyes

And you will find the things you longed to cherish

I won't forgive

You who have hurt me can walk where ever you want except along my path

You can be where ever you want except beside me or in front of me

I do not wish to collide or to have a sight of you anywhere and anyhow

I won't revenge but I won't forgive either

You can have a great life or you can screwed up other people's life

You can change to a better person or you can find your self a new victim

I do not wish to know what you do or what you have done and also your whereabout

I won't make things worst just that I still won't forgive

For a dear friend of mine

Emailed that I sent to a dear friend on 14th January 2009 when I heard about the sad news about her stillborn son could not survived the world.

Everybody is fighting their own league. Everybody have their own share of pain and happiness. Everybody is trying to survive and be better than their yesterday. Everybody is a survivor and everybody is a hero.

________________________________________________

Dear (My Friend),

I've heard about the news from (Another Friend),

I'm deeply very sorry, sad and hurt.

But if I said that I knew how sad that you feel inside, I'm wrong.

And if I said that I knew how hurt the pain that you felt, I'm wrong.

I can only say that only you can actually felt the sadness and the pain.

I'm really so sorry.

How I wish I can ease the sadness and the pain that you felt inside you.

How I wish I can shared the burden with you.

How I wish I can enlighten the world around you now so you can smile again.

Allah had better plan for you and I pray to Allah that the future will be easy for you.

I hope you will be patient with this situation and I know that you are a very brave and strong lady. You have always am.

You can count on me for emotionally support and I will always be your friend.

Take care and get well soon.

Imperfection

Imperfection, beauty as it is

One word, unused by others

Unwanted, yet desired by all

Imperfection, courage as it is

One word, to describe the rest

Unbounded, yet part of this life

The life and the journey

I don't mind if I still can't see what is it beyond my fist because I still can think about it again and again until I'm sure what I want my fate to be.

Even if I only find it at the end of my life, I still can be satisfied with it because life is not about what I want finally in the end. I know it is important but to me life is about my own journey.

It doesn't really matter although I felt both the pain and the joy. It doesn't really matter when I suffered the years of misery and had a minute of bliss. I'm happy when I'm able to cherish every minutes that I can remember.

Currently what I want is to stay and I need no reason to give myself or others. It's what my heart told me and it's what I'm going to do. To stay it is as long as chances given to stay.

One of the people

I see some people

They are busy trying to impress others

And they forgot the existence of the other heart

I see some people

They are busy talking about them selves

And they forgot the existence of the other soul

I see some people

They are busy to be the centre of everything

And they forgot the existence of the balance in life

I see some people

And I am one of them

Could I be the same as them

Things could happened

Where did I gone wrong

I'm digging up grave searching for clues

Yet instead of finding what I'm searching for

I'm digging more and more graves

I felt that I'm messing up more things

I don't know if I'm doing good or am I needed

Things looks like out of my reach

And more things out of my control

But I'm not ready to give in

And I'm still refuse to give up yet

What if they have given up on me

And what if I'm not needed anymore

Things could happened

And I have no confident in myself

What do I missed right now?

Only one thing inside my mind right now. Should be McD's prosperity burger. One thing I'm looking forward every year but I haven't have the chance for the last two years now. They should have the same thing here in the local Mc'D but too bad they don't celebrate the new year here. I guess that I have to wait patiently till the time comes and I know it's going to take a very long time. Really long time because I'm planning to stay here longer.

Beyond my fist

My Street Fighter favourite quotes.

Master : Ken, what do you see beyond your fist?

Ken : My fate.

Still remembering the moment when I watched the anime. When is it? I think more than ten years ago. What do I see beyond my fist? Nothing. What would my fate will be? I don't know where my fate is leading me. May be I should start creating one. But, what is it?

My right knee is in pain. Due to old injury. Too many injuries that I can recalled. Falls from the bike or falls down during hiking and mountain climbing or from sparring. Anyway, this pain irritates me. I guess that I should overcome this pain. Stretching a bit would be nice. But after stretching, I guess doing back a bit an old pole form that I still can remember when others already rusted and being forgotten. Sweating and tired, I laid on the cold floor. My right knee doesn't hurt that much now.

Still thinking. What will it be beyond my fist. Still seeing nothingness. Slowly I look at my palm. What do I have now? I'm not seeing anything except for my two head lines. What is my energy except that for protecting others. What is my strength except that for guiding others. Why do I always can feels the pain of others. Why do I always can trace the reaction and changes in others. Why do my heartbeats can always able to sense the things before it happen? Is it a good or bad thing? For me? Is it a gift or a curse? I don't know. Why do I always put others first beyond me. I'm not strong or anything. Why people always look at me as somebody that they can trust and lean to. What do they see that I can't see in me.

Still, I can't see my fate beyond my fist.

It's not for them to know

Some people always asked me how I can always look happy and jovier with all the energy in me. They never knew the sadness and all the sorrows in side of me. Anyway, it's not for them to know. How do I kept it all hidden? All I can say that it's not hidden anywhere. It was all inside of me all the time. All this heavy lugages and the things that's pulling me down time to time. I just segregate the two of them.

The happy and unhappiness. I choose one of them one at a time. I write down all my worries and pains and I kept them here actually. When all of them are well kept and in safe place for me to pick later, I can faced the world and sought the happiness in life. I can create lots of crazy ideas and accomplish lots of things.

Strength for the day

Been listening to "Eternal" by Evanescence repeatly now. The same song I've been listening when I get the news about my aunt last week. I need the strength for the day. For today only.

At least. It's enough for temporary.

I need the strength in my eyes and my soul. I need the strength to complete my tasks. I need the strength to live for the day.

Today and now. I will get myself the strength.

Gather the strength

This week, my body felt so tired and my mind felt so exhausted
I fell down too much and I've trying to climb up too many times
My knees were weak now and people keep pushing me down

Today is the third day of the week and another two days to go
I can't stay like this for the whole week or I will be down forever
I felt so tired now but I'm more tired of this situation

I need to think again this time from the basic
I need to gather all the strength that's is left in me
I need to be firmed on my ground so I won't fall again

Mom's crying voice

Hearing my mom's crying voice already hurts me like hell
I know I will not cry no matter how much it hurts me

For mom, I will be strong and give her strength
For mom, I will be calm and give her comfort

I know mom's still sad about my aunt
Every little things irritates her and hurts her

I pray and hope for mom to be strong again
I pray and hope for mom's heart to be heal again

Overcome fear

It's only the first day of the week and I've already felt very tired. It's only twelve past nine at night and I've already felt very sleepy. I'm trying to stay awake as I'm trying at least to release something out of my head. Listening to Michelle Branch's songs as I continue typing. Another four days to go and I can't hardly wait. Sound a bit sad as I can't enjoying the days and I hope the weeks goes by quickly. Like a person who's trying to continuously spinning the wool just to forget the worries and ended up being old before time.

Trying to remember things that will give me something and can makes me strong and strive on. But currently in this tired mind of mine, I'm remembering the day when my friend tricked me into wearing the safety jacket and pushed me into the fast flowing river when she knows that I'm terrified of water. Any kind of water either deep water or fast flowing water terrified me and leaves me trauma. That moment when I cried and yelled so hard in my life because I was so terrified with fear and panic. That moment when my friend laugh so hard and shouted that I'm going to be alright. Swept away by the current until I have no more voice and energy left to shout.

When suddenly I was calmed and floating. Thanks to the safety jacket when I thought I was going to be swept away and die. Thanks to my friend that I was be able to overcome my fear. Although I'm still afraid of water but it's not as bad as before. The lesson that I cherished and won't forget easily.

My friend was right and I was alright.

Courage is

Courage is

Still being afraid but insisted to move on and goes on

Courage is

To swallow my own pain so that I can smile to ease the pain of others

Courage is

To be able to look into the eyes of others and give hopes

Courage is

To take everyone under my wings in any case if needed

Courage is

What I want so I will be able to guide and protect the people I care

The weather today

The weather that represent inside of me today
Although it's rainy and gloomy day

But it does not stop me from being jovier
And it does not stop me from being my own self

Need to separate this feelings of mine and the reality
Will open up my eyes and my mind

As it won't do me good
To waste my time with this situation

I will fight as long I can think of the ways to fight back
I will move on as long as my heart permitted it to be strong

Does my heart's hurt? I don't know

I went out with a friend yesterday and she asked me how do I take the bad news that she told me previously about the other person that really concern me. I was silent for a while thinking of my next reaction. Jokingly I told her that I didn't really mind and as usual I do makes lot of jokes about lots of things and others. This is something that I've been aware for a very long time and guess that I've put some precaution inside of me so that it would not hurt me so much when the time finally arrived. The time when some confirmation being make and done and at last somebody feels it's the right thing and it's the right time to tell me.

I think that she would think that I might be a bit heartbroken by the news but actually I don't really know how do I felt. I've been set aside my feeling temporarily and I haven't really decide if it should really hurt my heart or not. Or am I running away from this feeling so that it would not hurt so much? I'm not sure. There is something about it that I've been thinking. Some similarity that only I knew and I've been thinking for my next action about how should I feels and my reaction.

It's raining and beautiful

I woke at midnight after suddenly I heard of something
The sounds so familiar that I feels like home
I walked to the window to see what's happening outside
I opened the window widely and look outside
I saw the lighting and heard the sound of thunder
It's raining tonight and it's beautiful
Now I can sleep soundly and it's feels a bit like home