Finally

"I'm moving out by early jan 09. I'm giving u back all the air and space in the house that u want all this time. Tq"

That is exactly the text message that I sent out to the person that only find happiness by making me miserables. Decision making comes with responsibility which we had to stick and stand on what we decide. Sooner or later we have to face it.

Sometimes we will never knew what kind of decision that we should take and when we should make it. I'm still shivering but I knew that I should have make this decision long time ago. Happiness belong to ourselves and we should not let others take control of it. We also should not let others take it from us.

I knew deep inside of me, by moving out which means I've decide to move on with my life and take control of my happiness. I'm free to decide where I'm going and do the things that I like. I brace myself to take the one step forward of my life and I will continue stepping forward into the future.

Grateful

This year nearly end and new year will start in a few weeks time

With a few good and lots of bad things happening

I'm feeling grateful

For the choice that I can finally make

After facing countless of searching and rejection

For being able to move on

After all the miserable phase I had to pass through

For being able to let go

After all the heartache and headache I had to swallow and bear

For the friends that still hang out with me

After all they are able and not able to do for me

For the family that still believe in me

After all the distance and time zone that separate us

Sometimes makes me wonder

Is it the time again for me to make the annual reality check

After all it is nearly new year

It could be a turning point for me

To be able to have choices and be able to make a decision

So Sad

I am sad

I am so sad

So sad that I can't speak to anyone

So sad that I dare not think

Or to make any move

Everything looks like against me

Everyone looks like looking the other way

What is there for me

As I'm laying on the floor

Gazing at the bare ceiling

Thinking

I'm losing more than I expected

Why am I losing this much

What is there for me

I can't fore see the future

I'm trying hard to ease my heart

But I'm restless more than I can imagine

I'm trying to gather the courage

From deep inside of me

As I could not really stand it anymore

The Way of Life

It's just the way of life
For you to gain something
You must be able to give up something else
The nature everyone have been following and done

I am part of the nature and life
It's not something that I can run away from
Unless I have the power or immortality
That I can gain everything and lose nothing

Am I ready to give up something
So that I'm able to gain something else
It's a desicion that I need to make
And a decision I need to abide with

For my future and my life
For my day and my night
For my health and my soul
I will make this decision

Judging A Book

You can't help judging a book by it's cover

but never forget the rules

That

You are not the only one

And

Only sometimes you are right

A Bigger Room

I need a bigger room

As my room become smaller

With all the things that I like

And all the things that I want

Still counting the things that I wish

I need a bigger space

As my head become more creative

To accommodate all the ideas in my head

And all the things that I want to do

Still counting the crazy things I can create

I'm smiling as I think

And smiling again as I imagine

Much Better Now

I'm feeling much better now

Much better than before

No more pain

No more stress

No more sickness

I know it's for temporary only

As my allergy went for vacation

But it's enough for me to realize

The source of my allergy

And it's enough for me to realize

The source of my energy

I looked around from where I'm standing

It seems more beautiful than before

The scenery and the life

I should kept as it is

This temporary bliss

I should put an extra effort

To keep a distant from my allergy

So that I can keep on smiling

Downfall Yourself

When the right time comes finally
for your own downfall
So be it as it will be
You don't have to regret it later

Remember that I'm not your downfall
You fall on your own and that is the way it is
So don't drag me down with you
I have my own life to spare

You want people to know me
Based on what you had told them
So be it cause if that is what your wish
There is nothing that I can do

But don't you ever forget
People will knew you too
Based also on what you had told them
Cause I don't have to open my mouth anyway

You can hold on to what ever you want
You can stick to what ever you belief in
You want to be heard and that's you have been doing
You can insist to be heard again and again if that is what you want

And you know that yourself
I don't mind and I don't really care
I live my life my own way and do the things that I like
So downfall yourself and go there yourself

Another Five Days

Been waiting for a while now
Just give a call
May be I'll get the answer

Ok
Just give a call
Hearing the voice from the other end
I still feel some doubt

Ok
Just give a try again
Been asking the same question again
Although my voice reveals some worries
Please call again in five days time
Again I've been told
My heart's drop

Ok
Gaining some strength
I will wait
If that I'm suppose to do

Don't Give Up Yet

Today, my heart is still not at ease

Still got no answer

I've start feeling down

Although I've trying to be patient

Trying to think of another plan

To open for another option

To get another hope

For a different answer

But for the time being

My mind failed to think

My heart failed to react

Like a stone I've become

But deep inside

I know that give up that I must not

Not yet

Because that is not me that I know

Question - Created on 18th August 2007

Don't worry about what you can't see

They can do you no harm

Don't complicate life as the world already a complicated place to live in

Don't ask question you already knew

Don't even ask the question

When you only want to hear what you want to hear

Some things are mean to be left alone

Some things are mean to be left unanswered

Closed your eyes and feel with your heart

Deep inside in you

You will realized that

You already knew the answer

It was inside in you the whole time

Don't Pity Me - Created on 18th August 2007

Don't pity me

If it's troubling you

Coz I don't need others to pity me

I can stand on my own

I can live my own life

Don't feel sad for me

If it's troubling you

Coz I don't need others to feel sad for me

I'm not sad about my self

I don't need to feel sorry about my self

Afraid - Created on 11th August 2007

This feeling that I felt for you

Is mine alone

I'm afraid to show

I'm afraid to share

I felt this pain

This pain is so great that I fell on my knees

I stabbed my own heart

This invisible blood that is running through my fingers

Is mine alone

I'm afraid to show

I'm afraid to share

I was lying on the floor and I felt numb all over me

I cried so hard and gasping for my breath

I closed my eyes and felt the coldness of the floor

My heart is beating slower and slower

Is mine alone

I'm afraid to show

I'm afraid to share

I'm listening to my heart's beat and felt the coldness inside of me

I felt the darkness and I felt the hollowness

My fingers' stiffed and I can't even move

My mind's blanked and I can't think of anything

I was hoping for the light that will never come to me

I was hoping for the warm that will never near to me

Burning flame - Created on 28th December 2007

The burning flame that surrounded me

It won't keep still

It burn as desired

Solely depends from deep inside of me

From my soul

And from my mind

as I watch myself in the mirror

Trying to understand myself

Trying to figure out myself

Am I a stranger?

Am I an enemy?

Who ever I want myself to be

It depends solely on me

The Rain - Created on 27th June 2008

After the rain stopped

There may not be any rainbow

But there will definitely be the sun

Shining down on you

So why you still showed that sad face

When there are still miracle and surprises

Waiting to surface and roll down towards you

You just need to feel and grab them

Yes, may be your heart still ached

For all the things that happened till now

But remember things will not stayed that long

Because you will find happiness that you will sure find

Lost - Created on 11th August 2007

I was lost in the middle of the sea

No where to be found

No where to be seen

There is nothing above me

That I know for sure

For I've clearly see

But what's below me

I don't really know

And I'm sure that I don't really want to know

I'm gasping the breath that's running out of me

I'm grabbing the life that is running out of time

With tears in my eyes

And every little bit of hope that was still inside of me

I'm holding to my life

Tell me how - Created on 9th February 2008

This heart of mine

Please tell me how

How should I feel

Why am I angry

Over the things that I can't reach

This mind of mine

Please tell me how

How should I think

Why am I angry

Over the things that I can't control

I've come from a far - Created on 2nd May 2007

I've come from a far

Far from my home

Far from my family

Far from my friends

I've come with nothing

Except for

Shattered pieces of my heart

And a little bit of hope that I held in my hand

I'm a stranger to the surrounding

I'm a stranger to the people

I'm a stranger to the land

I'm a stranger to my self

I don't know where to start

I don't know how to start

I don't know how long it will take me

I don't know how it's going to end

But I realized that

There will be nobody to save me

There will be nobody to help me

There will be nobody to show me

I can only cry my heart out in the dark

And shout to the wind that pass me by

I can only smile back every time I've cried

And stand up every time I fell down

I closed my eyes for a very long time

Seeing the darkness inside of me

Feeling the shattered pieces of my heart that still beating in side of me

I clutch my fist and held the remaining little bit of hope

I was nobody to them but I realized that

That it doesn't really matter

What am I to my self is the most important

I my self is the treasure

A Single Word - Created on 11th August 2007

A blank piece of paper
Is all that I could stare at
The pen that is still stiff in my hand
Unable to move even an inch

Why can’t I write even a single word
A single word is all I ask for

You are so close in front of me
Is all that I could stare at
My mouth that closed tight in me
Unable to utter even a word

Why can’t I say even a single word
A single word is all I ask for

My heart is a fortress
My feeling is a dungeon
How can I afford to move closer to you
When I can’t even save my self

Why can’t I let go even a single word
A single word is all I ask for

Daughter to Mom

I only call mom once a week

Am I a not so good daughter or

Am I a lazy one

Guess both of them

But

What ever the reason still need to call mom

Need to ask mom, what's bothering her

Need to tell mom, what's bothering me

Need to comfort mom and

Need mom's comfort

Sometimes I still need to tell mom

Don't worry about me here

Sometimes I still need mom's voice saying

Don't worry about anything there

No matter what

Mom will always be the best person on the planet

No news, yet.

Waiting in front of the shop
Chilled autumn air blowing at it's will
It's really cold tonight

I didn't have my jacket with me

Still no news

What should I do?

Wait another day that I've been told

Shivering.......

It's still cold tonight

And become colder as I stand still

Wait another day.....

No one step forward today

Not yet.....

Not until I have the news

Still hoping

I will wait for tomorrow

Patiently

Now, I go for dinner.

Today, I go to Work

Fancy waking up nearly everyday at five something in the morning.

What wrong with me now? Becoming a really morning person?

Anyway after having a really really bad week last week, I hope this week will be better.

Atleast.

I have high hope.

hoping today I can get some good news.

The news I've been waiting for.

For the things I've should have done last year.

Today, if I receive the good news.

I can think for my next step.

Not only think but I can move one step forward.

Hoping..........

Please............

So today.....

Hoping for be able to move forward atleast one step.

Before that in reality..... I need to go to work.

So today, I go to work.

What is Life at early stage of my life.

I start my life by hating life itself.

I start my life by being angry all the time.

I start my life wanting to crush everything.

I start my life by doing everything opposite being told.