Mend a broken heart

Once, it takes time to mend a broken heart

As I stared into nothingness for a very long time until it's finally gone

Once, it takes acceptance to mend a broken heart

As I looked away silently and took a deep breath with a new hope

Once, it takes decision to mend a broken heart

As I closed my eyes tightly with tears and open them again in a new world

Every Single Day

I woke up in the morning with a heavy feeling in my heart. Every single day is nearly the same as the day before. The weight of the world it is. Tears drop from my eyes as I feels the burden and the suffering of the human's heart. Every single day I need to tell my self not to be carried away and forcing myself to fight back this emotions. Every single day I tell my self that I need to be stronger than yesterday. Every single day my heart's bleeding and every single day also I heals back the wound. Every single day I cried and smile back as I wiped the tears from my eyes. Every single day I learned a new hope and I learned new things about life. Every single day I was hoping that I can smile to the world and every single heart that I can reach out.

I'm no hero to the world

I'm not a hero or a savior

I can't save all the people in this world

I can't save each and everyone around me

But I will try to save myself

So that I can save you as well

I'm smiling to my heart

I walked pass the crowd of friends and strangers

Every day and every night

Alive and living my life like the rest of them

Yet I'm different and alone in my own world

I talked and I shared like nothings wrong

But deep in my heart I alone knew

As I hears and I feels without any boundaries

The hearts and emotions floating around me

I used to shiver and almost losing my mind

When I feels the pulse in the air finding it's way to my heart

I realised I have an empty space in my heart

And I was crushing myself to destruction

I'm learning to fills the space and heals the wound

Learning my way to save my heart and my mind

I find hope and suddenly love come naturally

Filling the space until faith comes along

I'm smiling to my heart and others in silence

I'm able to give hope to mine and others as well

Truly amazing and still makes me amused till now

I don't know how it works but it works anyway

Loving my heart till it overflows to the surrounding

As long I'm able to control I won't give up hoping

I see the beauty and cherish even to the smallest things

Spreading the unseen and hope to see them smile

Start with a smile

Human's feelings and emotions are contagious. Believe in yourself and don't give up hope. Start with a smile and it will enlighten everyone around you.

A Good Friend

I was chatting with a good friend yesterday. A good friend I adore and respect. A good friend I love and miss so much. From her I learned so much about life. From her also I learned the most powerful words which I carry in my mind and heart. "If you are not happy, do something about it". So true. The words that save me from destroying myself. I thanked her all my life.

I tried and I cried

But I won't stop trying

I still see the goodness in other people's heart

No matter how small they are

I still see the hope in their eyes

Although it looks like just a glimpse only

Self healing/Self whispering

Listen to your body

They will stop and listen back to you

Whisper softly to them and ask them dearly

Ask them which part is hurting

Ask them what is hurting them

Ask them what they want

They will answer you back

Your body is just like a baby

They need love and attention

They need care and affection

Once you understand

You can whisper what you want

What you want them to do

What you want them to be

You will realise that

You will heal much faster

You will heal much easier

With the power of GOD

Need to fight this

I don't feel very well today as every inch of my body started feeling ache and I already feels dizzy. Please GOD makes me well again. Please GOD I need the strength to fight this.

No Option

I have no option. That's what I have been told. I stayed because I have no option. I was in silence. Is it true? Questioning my self again and again.

Last year I was offered a job in the UAE which I turned down because I still like it here. Last year also I was offered to operate a branch of a printing shop by my sister which I said wait and hold on first. Which I still hold on to my heart. A few weeks ago my friend offered me to join working with her for the airport project which I said wait and see for another two years.

Then I was told that I stayed because I have no option. I was angry. I was angry at myself. Where do I belong to? Which place suits me? What kind of job that makes me happy? What should I have doing now?

Don't make decision when you angry. You will not makes the right decision because it's all because of anger. Anger will only clouded your mind and heart which you will regret afterwards. But I need to be angry to force my self to wake up from this slumber sleep. Dreaming in this comfort zone which I've been hiding from the real me and the world of reality.

Currently I know I'm a joke to myself. I'm not being the best of me by doing this kind of job. This line of work. To add that this project it self is a joke to the everyone.

Questioning back myself. I am the one who is limiting my options. I am the one who is allowing somebody putting words into my head that I have no option. If I'm down, I'm the responsible one and no one else.

Get Out of my head

When words are sharper than knife

Stabbing my hearts again and again

Forcing me to realise

Who am I actually

Silence I have become

Wandering in my head

With watery eyes

I'm looking away

Looking for an answer

Get Out of my head

Is all I can think now

And I meant you

Have Faith in Me, Please

To the trouble heart that has been knocking on my door

What can I do for you my friend

Just please tell me what should I do

You can't just wandering around like that unconsciously

Crying silently in your own world

Alone with an empty room in your heart

Longing for something that is still far from your reach

Although your mind keep telling you to go for it

Your inner self is reaching out

Whilst your hand is pushing away

The eyes of sorrow is torn in between

As the spoken words makes the decision

You are hurting your self even more

Day by day and moment by moment

Although you say to your self that's it's okay

Determination and mind setting is more important

Do you know that your heart is in me as well

From the day you reach out from a far

As I hold and care for it like my own

Feeling the pain every time you cry

Out of the Closet

After being down for a few days, I realised that only I can bring myself up again. Need to stand back no matter how many times I fell down. It's not easy because every time feels like the first time. Too hard to think back. Too hard to realise back. Too hard to stand back again. No matter what, still need to regain back myself.

Saw a friend in the morning. Still seeing the cautious words and fence up so high. Selective words and control facial movement. Hard life and striving hard. Pulling and pushing at the same time. Control situasion but with un-control vibration in the air. I wish I can help but there is some that I can't interfere. But I'm willing to take in the physical pain if I need to so that my friend will be able to finish her works.

Anyway, I've got to go to another friend's house. The weather is too hot and I have no vehicle. Although I have big ego and pride, it's not helping me at this time. Calling for help from another friend for a ride will do me good.

Good brunch and get together with friends really is fun. My favorite dishes of all time with my favorite friends. And a toddler kept staring at me most of the time. I was laughing because he kept staring at me every time he sees me. He was staring at me a few weeks ago also. What did he sees? When I was hoping for some guy can't let his eyes of me and I found a toddler can't let his eyes of me. Funny.

Anyway, I braced my self telling my friends that I'm able to feels others emotion and able to ease the normal physical pain by touching. I was ready for comments and rejection from them. But today is my day so far. Not only they found it's amusing, I ended up touching and light rubbing their back one by one. When a friend said that I like having a vampire power and it's was funny and I feels so relax. What ever vampire or mutant, I'm just a human with lots of disabilities. I thank GOD for all the life and the given so far. Although sometimes I can't see or unable to accept what I am. I thank GOD for what I am.

Just because of one day

It's funny when you try to control your self and being good for a whole month and one day you just blow up. Just for a day only and people will judge you based on that one day.

It's the same with if you gave anyone a piece of white paper with a small black dot in the middle. People will focus on the dot instead of seeing the whole white colour around the dot.

Losing My Self

Few days ago I lost my self. I lost control of myself. I'm overflow with negativity inside of me and I'm down with depressed. I can't really think clearly and I really feel unwanted and not helping anyone around me including in my work. I kept making mistakes and feeling bad. I feels like giving up everything and became a loser. I punched and wall and the table. I said lots of bad things that makes me feels miserables afterwards.

I'm afraid. What if I failed to remain my sanity. What if I get confused all over again and ended up with mental depression or disorder like the rest. I need help but who should I turn to. People will just misunderstood me.

Am I a loser?

Yesterday, someone told me what I did was not appropriate. I tried to explain but I can't. Nobody will understand me because they can't feel what's inside my head and my heart. They can't understand what's I've been through. I'm not a strong person. But I do try to remain alive and live life. My life. Not anybody else's life although they kept interfering inside my head and my heart. They think it's a easy job to maintain sanity. They think it's easy to control and overcome things. They think when you are ok that's mean there will be no more problem. Things sounds easy with words. They have never seen the storm. They have never feels the chaos.

Where do I go from here?

I've cried my heart out last night and still crying now. Am I cursed or am I born with responsibility? What is my purpose of life? Why am I different from others? Why can't I just be normal like the rest of the population. My life could be a lot more easier. My heart could be a lot more happier. My head could be a lot more lighter.

Do I hate my self?

I don't now. I'm afraid to defined my self. I'm afraid to categorize my self.

Nothing in July 09 but something's going on

Nothing for the whole month of July. I was busy dealing with my mind and wondering what's happening. Something is different now days. Something is changing for the better.

Things that I learned I finally understood. Learning by heart and living it everyday. Trying to manage the gravity of the earth and the gravity inside of me. Trying to manage the noise from the outside and the mental noise inside of me. Trying to help myself and still trying to help others as well.

Can't help myself from still caring about others. I'm neither apathy nor sympathy. I'm empathy.