All seems good

Today it looks like the normal usual day

But the atmosphere seems difference from any other day

Today I start to smile back again

Warm eyes and funny jokes with colleagues and friends again

Today I thought I saw the gleams of the eyes

Only a split seconds I thought I didn't care but it caught my eyes

Today I feel that my senses makes me feel good

The way I think, I feel, I see, I hear and everything all seems good

Eye Tricks?

Why every objects has it's layer
Why every living things is glowing

Makes me wonder
Makes me think

I could not stop from staring
I could not stop from being amused

Is my eyes playing trick with me
Is there anybody can explain to me

Things happened for a reason

There are things that will pull us down and wash us away
But we will think of a way to surface

There are things that will make us torn and bleed
But we will think of a way to heal

There are things that will make us fall to the ground
But we will think of a way to stand up

There are things that will make us cry and ache
But we will think of a way to smile back

No matter how hurt or hard it was
Things happened for a reason

The price we are paying

One the way to the office this morning, my friend told me that he just got the sad news about my aunt. I could not tell anyone in the office yesterday because I'm too sad. I can't utter a single word. He told me that it's the price that we have to pay for working here. Far from our family. I told him that I understand. The price we have to pay. One tear drop from my eye. Pretending that it does not really matter to me and I'm still off to the office today. The price we have to bear. We are surviving on the far land and it tooks sacrifice that we have to pay and live with.

No self pity

I've been listening to the same song since yesterday. I've lost count how many time coz it has been played over and over again. It does not really matter. Other songs will only makes me cry. Which I do not want. Some people thought I'm tough. Which I'm not. I'm weak and afraid.

The last thing that I want is to have self pity towards my own self. It's the only one that will bring me down. I'm fighting off this feeling. Self pity is a self destructive mode that will destroy anyone including me. I've already given up on this mode a very long time ago and I would not let it come back to me again. I will make things turn the other way round and it's going to be alright again no matter how it hurts. I'll be alright.

More bad news

A friend called me this morning because she needs to tell me one news that's concern me. She was actually asking me if she can tell me because she does not want to ruin my day early in the morning. What can I say since she already told me the intention so just spill it out and I will be ok. Silently I thought that what other bad things can ruined my day when I've already have the news about my aunt passed away earlier.

My heart's already worsen since morning so the news that I heard from my friend does not really bother me at all although it is a bad news. I was quite calm and said to my friend that I understand and accept it with open mind and heart.

Life moves on.

My aunt went to a better place

The usual weekly telephone call to my mother. It went as usual, relax and casual. Until at the end of the conversation my mom told me to pray for my aunt. I was stunned. I asked mom when?. "Last Friday". Just simple answer and direct to the point. Again I asked another question where? "Trengganu, but uncle brought back the body to Johore" replied mom. Why Trengganu? The answers really break my heart.

It looks that none of my sisters and brother knew about it. Or else they've already informed me earlier. Or did they actually care? They never care or they are too busy caring about themselves. What ever.

At last there are no more pain and sorrow for my aunt. I was a bit relief but my heart's really hurt. I asked mom when uncle is going to die and can I pray uncle to die sooner? Calmly mom said that God won't answer bad prayer and bad intention. I know. But it still hurt. I asked mom not to feel sad and don't cry too much.

Still hurt and I can't ease the pain. Trying to fight back the tears. I can't talk and I can't eat. I can't think. I'm trying to erase the memories coz it's too painful. Still fighting back the tears. God loves my aunt and I know she's in much more better place now.

My brain won't stop thinking

As I was sitting on the couch alone at home tonight. Listening to the music and holding a book in my hand at the same time. Trying to finish off the book as I have delayed it for several weeks now. Distracted by the one Japanese song, I stop for a while. Listening and enjoying every notes like it was the first time I heard it. I don't have to understand to enjoy something nice.

I walked to the window and opened it. Letting the fresh cool air into the room. I seldom open the window due to sounds of the people chattering at the nearby restaurant. But tonight is quite peaceful. Still looking out the window and the night is quite dark. No full moon tonight? I was hoping to see one. I guess there is no perfect night when we are expecting it to be perfect. So decided to accept the beauty of imperfection and make tonight is a beautiful one whether it's perfect or not. It does not really matter as long as I'm enjoying it.

Sitting back on the couch and wondering about lots of things. With the book now on the coffee table, untouched and Japanese music still playing. I have lots of things in my mind and I guess that I just can't stop thinking. My brain was never satisfied of being relaxed like my muscles and other parts of my body. My brain keeps talking to itself and trying putting into words for every memories that I've experienced and feels. Trying to compose everything the way it want. Never satisfied until weird but beautiful sentences being created. I guess that I have no choice but to write down in my blog.

Happy for a good friend

Today, a good friend told me about a miracle that happened to her. "WOW!". Really, it's really a miracle and I'm so happy for her. It could happened once in a life time but really hope that it can happen again to her. For her. "WOW!" again. She did got something that she can tell her grandchildren. She is really one tough lady and she has been working hard all this time to survive and to make her life better. This miracle do makes her day and makes her happy. As long as she is happy, that's alright with me.

It's not a bad day after all

I had a hectic day in the office

Down with migraine and stomach cramp

I'm fighting off and surviving the day

All I want is the day to be over

Rushing back home and relaxing on the sofa

Loosening my muscle and lighten my shoulder

Listening to the music

That is playing to soothe up my mind

Close my eyes and enjoying the night

Another day tomorrow that I can wait

Tonight is mine and I will make it full

It's not a bad day after all

I can't be angry at you

Looks like I'm going to throw a punch at anytime. Or is that what they've been expected.

"I can't be angry at you".

I was walking pass by the person and I said the sentences again.

"I can't be angry at you".

I was actually angry at that time and that person did makes me angry.

Ironically I'm not angry with that person.

My voice did raised and sounds harsh.

But my eyes were soft.

I can't flip over pages

Finally I did told someone

That I can't flip over pages

My fingers' too soft that they can't grip the paper

Something I'm very shy about

Just because I think everyone can do

Except me

Making Sense

I found lots of things lately

Which affected me somehow

Without me realising it

From the begining it has been

From the way people behaved

Some are beautiful and

Some are quite a heartache

Some that I could hear

Some that I would listen

It's making sense now

It's becoming quite clear now

Anger

The anger is building inside of me

Towards others and surrounding

But more at my own self and life itself

I am at worst when I am angry

That's why cooling down is needed

Before I get any worst and will hate myself afterwards

I need to think and re think

I need to control my thought and my action

I need to channel out my energy before it goes to my brain

Need to think that things will get better

Hopefully things can get better

It's not too late and I must not give up

My 150th Friend

Least favorite things that I like about my self

Is my anger and my temper

Things even I myself can't control

I can't listen to others including my parents and friends

The more they try to calm me

The more I resist and boil

But suddenly comes the 150th friend

A friend but not naturally a friend

Which suddenly makes me able to calm down

By the look in the eyes only, I'm willing to listen

Things About My Self

Lately there are some kind of trend where friends create questionaires and tagged other friends. At first I thought the people who created all this tag things have lots of free time or does not have other things to do. I also thought at first that they are silly things. But since I was tagged by friends, so I might as well took the challenge. Then I realised that it was really hard to answer all the question although they are all only about myself. All this time and I do not have any idea about me and things that connected to me. I'm a stranger to myself.

I sit down in deep thought. Who am I. Reading the questionaire one by one. Repeating again and again. The first few sentences were quite hard because I seems have forgotten the memories of my childhood, all the things that I like and dislike, what I want to be and what I want to do. It was like searching back the lost me that have been forgotten. One after another the question seems easy now and I can answer either long or short. Now I can even describe in detail and connect to other things that I like and want.

Thanks to all my friends and their challenges, I'm found back the missing pieces of me. Now I realised nearly all the things about my self.

A Person's Worth

A person worth my respect

They don't need to pay attention to me

And they don't need to win me over

They can be what ever they want to be

And they can choose to be themselves

They can fight for what they believe in

And they can show their anger when they are angry

A person worth my respect

They are not afraid to show their fear

And the sorrow in their heart when they are sad

They are not afraid to make me angry

And their selfishness if they need to

They can fight although they are bleeding

And still move on to survive till the end

A person worth my respect

A person I will protect when ever I could

A person I won't deserted no matter how