Sometimes I did not know how to explain what I've learned about human and their heart. It's something fascinated that I'm most attracted to and I'm not able to run away from. It's also more complicated and like a continuing process of life itself. I learned so much but sometimes I don't know how to put into words. It's like a huge amount of knowledge from each and every individual that I encountered everyday. I do get confused most of the time but overtime I finally seems to understand little by little.
Every individual is very special in their own way and we must treat and see each individual as an individual them selves. Although their hearts seems familiar with other hearts but they are not the same. No human hearts are the same. That's makes them special as an individual. That makes them different from another person.
I see human as an overall. Front and back, inside out. I see their feature, their movement and their expression. I hear their voice. The weight of their voice and the tones in their voice. The words they choose and the words they did not use. I see in their eyes, the passage to their heart. I sense their heartbeat and their heart. Sometimes it does not matter how, whether they are facing me or they are calling me over the phone or they are writing.
Seems funny and unexplainable. This is where people misunderstood me most but it doesn't really matter because how hard I try to explain, they will not be able to understand although they will try to look like they understand. I will know but it's okay. Some did not understand and challenged me. Some just ignore and continue with their life. Some will try to look understand because they don't want to be left out. Some will just accept me just the way I am although they do not fully understood. Some do understand me some how with an open heart and this is what I called a miracle of life.
Some heart drawn me nearer. What ever they do and what ever they trying to express they do it with a sincere heart. I'm not sure how to put into words. Either they are naive or they are truthful to their own heart. Whether they are angry or frustrated or hatred or irritated or anxious or sad or happy or relief or relax, they just look so beautiful and genuine. This is where what ever condition they are into, it just won't push me away. This is where my eyes and heart are always soft for them. This is where I smile in silence and my heart calm in silence. This is where I listened with love in my heart and I'm willing to take in the pain with care in my heart.
Some heart makes me have the urgency to put a distant or a gap between us. Some people did not understand their own heart. Some people did not open their own heart. Some people did not listen to their own heart. Some people did not realise that they have a heart inside of them. Sometimes I just can't belief what I learned from them but I'm not in a position to judge them. Also it's not my part in this world to put a sentence to them nor to hate them. They must have their own reason and trauma that they have faced or experienced which makes they turn out to be what they are now. No matter how hard they try to put words into our mind or hearts, no matter how hard they are trying to put a false impression, no matter how hard they are trying to built a mask in front of them, all I can see is clouded passage in their eyes and a heart that is shut tightly inside of them. This is where I felt irritated and hatred very fast. But, again who am I in this world.
Sometimes they cry for help and looks like they need all the help they can get. But with their heart shut tightly inside of them, all they want are actually for the world to feels sorry for them and all the attention that they can get. Excuses from their pains and miseries but they do not want to be heal anyway. They are pulling every one around them into the darkness of their heart and drowning them with their selfishness. Sometimes I do try to help them and open up their heart so they can realise and see the beauty of life and world around them. But I did not have enough strength in my heart to carry the weight of their world. The air around them is too heavy for me to breath in. I'm sorry but it's too challenging for me and I have my own heart and life to spare. May be I'm not the right person to save them and hope they will find the right people that can opened up their heart and save them from selves. Hopefully they will find the savior in them actually. That's the best gift they can get and give to them selves. The gift they will appreciate and cherish in their life. The gift nobody can give except them selves. It's so beautiful if only they can see, feels, understand and accept.
Anyhow I wish calm heart in all the heart in this world. I wish they will find the happiness within them selves. I am no noble person and I myself have a weak and selfish heart. I'm nobody as I walked pass crowded of strangers and friends un-noticed each and everyday. I'm feeling the weight of their heart and their sorrow everyday and they don't even realised. I'm taking in their emotional and physical pain without they knowing anything just to ease their misery. I'm still nobody and I'm just one of them. I don't need appreciation or some sort of that.
The best gift for me is just genuine in people's heart and happiness within them selves. Just because I'm a very selfish person. I only want a good day to enjoy my life everyday and a good night sleep every night.
