Legendary Delon. World's Myth

2011-11-03T12:03:00.001+03:00

Sacrifice and Pain

2011-02-19T16:42:00.004+03:00

Sacrifice and pain.

They came hand in hand. The sacrifice that I will make is the pain that I'm letting go. But why do I feels like my heart is being ripped off. Why is it letting go this pain hurts me this much. I feels like dying but I can't.

Not yet.

A small voice somewhere inside of me whispering in a low voice. My wound is so old and my scars are all over the place. What is the reasons of this battling that never ends until now. What is my path leading me to. I don't know. Nobody knows. But I need to brace myself and step forward. One step at a time. I may stumble. I may stumble again and again. I will start this new journey of my life no matter what. At least that is what my heart tells me. This decision that I take. Is not mine alone. Nobody knows and it doesn't matter. At least I know. I hope that the sacrifice that I made now will heal my heart and wash away the pain.

May be somewhere in future I will claim my happiness that have been waiting for me to embrace.

My Second Best

2011-02-15T20:31:00.004+03:00

You're confused as one may say about theirs

You're are complicated as other might say

My life is just like that as far as I knew

No onions need to be peeled and no layers to be seen

I just deal and live with my second best

And protect all my loves one from the best of me

Even if you search you will not find it

Because the one who is hiding it is no one but me

Question and Answer II

2011-02-06T20:02:00.003+03:00

Sometimes.

I don't really ask questions that I already knew the answers.

Somehow.

I don't really ask questions just for the sake of asking.

Someday.

You will realise that you should have answered them.

Lie to me

2011-01-21T18:25:00.003+03:00

Nobody tells us life is full of lies

But somehow we learn life the way it is

You know it and I know it

You make believe what you want me to believe

Nobody talks about honor anymore

Anybody care about owning back anything

Was it worth it at the end

Was it worth till the end

Own Back Myself

2011-01-16T14:08:00.004+03:00

Slowly I'm regaining back my thoughts

As I put a pause in my current time

Stop moving forwards and letting go the past

Feeling back the pain in my heart

Embracing myself from deep inside

Breathing in and out in silence

Listening to my own heart beat and feeling the pulse

As my energy moving like the ocean wave

I emerge back from this state of unconsciousness

Stupid could I be but it won't stay long

Because wiser that I have become

Everytime I woke up and own back myself

Not in Someone Else

2011-01-16T13:46:00.003+03:00

Losing myself again

Lost in thought and life became restless again

My heart showing the sign of uneasiness

Looking down at my feet

Trying to figure out this heavy weight

That I put myself into

And carrying around my shoulders

Am I'm true to myself

Hoping to find

The will and the strength of an eagle

Not in someone else

Patient

2011-01-16T13:20:00.004+03:00

Being patient is what I am to you

No reason is what I gave to you

Waiting to bloom is what you are

Is what I felt and it is still as strong

As it first felt long time ago

The moment I decided to be patient

To guide and to protect a heart

To be by the side through all weathers

Still I have no answer to your question

Because what being seek is not the answer

You will understand when the time comes

You will feel it and embrace your self

The joy in your heart and the balance in your life

The day your wings spread out and fly into the sky

You will smile when you look down to the earth below

Beautiful landscape and beautiful life

Flying towards the horizon is what you will do

Endless journey with all your hearts

You will find you

Chances

2010-10-18T19:30:00.003+03:00

Today, my sister is being given a second chance that will change her life and her future.

Today, I grab a chance to change my life and my future.

Whatever the future there are for us, we will never know but it would not stop us from making changes and move on.

We realised that it's not that easy to be strong and we were not born to be weak either.

Great thanks to Allah for all the guidance and help we needs.

Feels like remembering

2010-10-09T10:25:00.003+03:00

Human and their hearts. Their hearts especially. Without their knowing, they are shouting in the wind and crying for help. Nobody will able to listen except for some certain people. People that walks through families, friends and strangers like nothing happen. People that closed their eyes with tears dropping silently whilst curving a slightly smile of hope and love. People that took a deep breath to inhale the pain of others and exhale the lights into their surrounding. People that placed their hand to their chest and hearts, feelings their own heartbeats with love and affection. People like me and others like me. Attract me like no other.

Everything we feels are like remembering. Remembering the feelings. Feelings of happiness and sufferings. If we never experience, we would never knew as we could never remember. People like us needs to feels and needs to remember the feelings. Being gifted and able to give back is why we are born. Reason for our awakening and time for us to awake does not depends on us as we only following the path that has been set for us. Somehow we have to experience more than others not only for us but for others as well. For some reasons we are are able to endure the experiences as we are built for having the reason to remember all the feelings.

To feels loves more than others. To receive and gift love like no others. Still feels like remembering and remember the feelings. This is how we are. Not only for us but for others.

Miracle Words for the heart

2010-10-08T11:56:00.003+03:00

In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Ya Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Thee do we serve and Thee do we beseech for help.

Ya Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Thee do we serve and Thee do we beseech for help.

Ya Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.

Thee do we serve and Thee do we beseech for help.

Glorious is God.

Part of my heart being ripped off

2010-10-05T20:32:00.004+03:00

There are things that currently making my hearts so weak and sad. So sad that I'm thinking about giving up what I'm currently living and had. Start all over again from zero and scratch. Scratching my head hoping that my decision is the wise thing to do. Before anybody realise, I'll already gone and I hope it's good for me.

But today, part of my heart being ripped off. I just bursting into tears. I try to be strong but tears kept rolling down from my eyes. I'm trembling and trying to find my ground to stand back again. I just lost in my words and I just don't know what to say anymore.

God, I pray for the future of my sister. God, I seek for the best for my sister. God, I wish for the better in health for my sister.

Ameen.

Who are we

2010-09-04T09:03:00.007+03:00

When I'm young my dad used to ask me to show him who I am. When I put my finger to my nose, he will say that's a nose and not me. Where ever I put my finger at will always get the same answers like ears, eyes, hairs, mouth, cheek, etc. Always makes me confused and wondering who and what am I. Finally I will ask him to show me me and he will ask me to close my eyes first. Closed my eyes and he will show me but how do I know when I can't see.

I didn't get it at first. But now I understand. Who we are and what we are are as a whole. Flesh and bone. In and out. Body and soul. Feelings and emotions. Brain, heart and guts.

That can never be separated and identify individually. When I closed my eyes, I'm able to feels myself as a whole. each part of me. Now, even when I opened my eyes, I'm still able to feels myself, as a complete person.

Letting go

2010-09-03T21:49:00.006+03:00

Sometimes there are lots of things that I want to let go. Keeping them only makes my hearts ache more and I feels like being sucks into an empty holes beneath the earth. I'm suffocated and can't breath properly. But what stops me from letting go. My brain want to let them go like releasing arrows into the darkness night where I would not know where they are going but I'm sure they won't come back ever. My heart want to let them go like throwing boomerangs to any directions when I know they will come back somehow. Decision need to be made somehow. In this situation the only thing that I can do is to drop them into the fast flowing river of life and let them flows away wherever the current may take them.

A Title

2010-09-01T23:00:00.005+03:00

I could not sleep last night as suddenly a title come across my mind. I don't know how and I don't know why but it just wont go away. May be it's something that I need to do or it is something that I want to do.

I could not sleep again tonight as the story line appears in my mind. Something got to do with hearts and emotions. Something that is lost between the time which need to be found again. Finding reason to believe and live again. A seek to the past but not to alter the current situation. A decision to be made to change the future for the better.

Seeing and experience back the memories that most forgotten. A vivid world right in front of our eyes yet they pass through us like we don't exist. Like the wind pass through the tree branches touch us with a new hope. Overwhelming and deep as the guide stood by side.

Feeling back the past memories were what the clients want. Something that they held previously which they lost for them to move forward. Searching back the lost memories is what the guide want. As the token of hope held grip in one hand needs for a answer. An answer that have been searching through sleepless nights when others falls asleep. Long and waiting patiently without any where to look upon. A miracle seek helplessly. For the right place and the right time.

A rejected client is the key. The unknown reason being put aside by force without second thought. When the client seek for forgiveness for things he did in the past and to release the burden so to move on. A connected past and memories bring back hope that lost half way between the time. To find back love and to win back life. A future is certain again to all the lost hearts. A guide that found back his love and lost memories through time. A guide that found back his life and future.

My worth

2010-08-25T22:48:00.003+03:00

As I'm wishing upon a star. A star is wishing upon me. What am I. Is more than just a star. More than any star wishing to be. As I've been given a life and more than just a life. A heart and a soul. A life worth my life.

A miracle that I seek

2010-08-25T22:24:00.007+03:00

When things wasn't going my way, may be it was showing me the other way. Should I turn my face around as my heart was still hoping to stand as it is. All this time I've been feeling others and suddenly I'm hearing my own heart's pounding. All my life I have been crying for others and now I'm crying for my self. I want so much to let go and yet tears drop begging me not to let go. Not yet silently my heart whispering. Until when, I'm not sure. A miracle that I seek. My days and my nights. My present and my future. My heart and my soul. In GOD I put my hope upon.

This Pain

2010-07-25T19:20:00.005+03:00

I can't stand the energy and so is the aura that I have to face.

I breath in the poison and building the wall around me at the same time.

Nobody ask me to stay and yet nobody can make me leave.

This silence that I remain is the loyalty that I kept.

Because the pain that I carry is the heart that I protect.

Feeling Grateful

2010-07-24T12:02:00.004+03:00

I am not a story teller but yet I have a story to tell.

The world is so beautiful as that is what I can see and feel.

The life is full of miracle and I'm still overwhelmed with it.

So much to experience and so much to learn.

No question needed to ask and yet I have given most of the answers.

Giving more than I'm needed and I'm feeling grateful.

The Art of "Okay"

2010-07-16T21:31:00.003+03:00

Ooookaaaayyyy.....

Okay......Sooooo......

Okay......So?

Okay......So what?

Okay......What now?

Okay......What ever....

Win back yourself

2010-07-03T13:15:00.002+03:00

It's not about losing to others.

It's about winning back yourself.

My kind of day

2010-07-03T13:04:00.003+03:00

It's a day to do nothing and be somebody.

Staying input and feeling everything.

Sitting alone and let myself wandering off.

Smiling to my self and achieve a great distance.

Feel yourself

2010-07-03T11:23:00.004+03:00

Closed your eyes and let everything goes back to you.

Breath slowly and let your self feel every part of your self from the inside.

Feel the breeze that touch your skin and let them be.

Feel the floor beneath you and let them be.

Feel the air that fills your lung and your stomach and let them fills you.

Don't try to remember the past or think of the future.

Just stay static in the current world and space.

The space in you is your inner world.

Feels your anger and let them be.

Feels your ego and let them be.

Feels your dissatisfaction and let them be.

Feels your pain and let them be.

Feels your emptiness and let them be.

Feels your sadness and let them be.

Feels your loneliness and let them be.

Feels your flaws and let them be.

Feels your passions and let them be.

Feels your courage and let them be.

Feels your hope and let them be.

Feels your strength and let them be.

Feels your love and let them be.

Let them all be and embrace them.

Embrace your self because they are all you.

Be aware of your inner world and accept them.

Accepting them is accepting your self.

You

2010-07-03T11:04:00.001+03:00

The one person between you and your self is you only.

Somebody and nobody

2010-07-03T10:37:00.003+03:00

When you put other's need before you, you're somebody.

When you depends your happiness on others, you're nobody.

2010-05-05T22:57:00.002+03:00

The voice that travels above the water

Following the waves of ones heart

The lone wolf will run all night long

As it's journey will never stop

Like the tides thats will keep on coming

Like the sun thats will keep on shining

No matter where we are in this world

We are alone and yet we are together as one

My inner universe

2010-05-05T22:03:00.006+03:00

Why in the world of crowded

I feel alone

Why in the world of emptiness

I feel full

Why in the world of sadness

I feel love

Why in the world of pain

I feel hope

Just keep on breathing

2010-04-24T09:06:00.003+03:00

Just keep on breathing is my advice to you

It's the first thing we learned when we were born

It's the first thing we do when we were born

Just keep on breathing no matter what

It's the first thing to do then you realised that you are still alive

It's the first sign you realised that you got a life

Just keep on breathing and listen to you own breaths

It's the first step for human to control their mind, heart and body

It's the continuous step for human to heal themselves and keep on healing

Pain

2010-04-24T08:38:00.004+03:00

Sometimes I could not wake up when there are so much pain in my heart

Sometimes I could not wake up when there are so much pain in my body

Sometimes I could not wake up when I just don't have the energy to wake up

But I've learned that I'm different from before

And I've learned to managed and heal myself

It took times but it's okay with me

Define the word pain to an empath and they will only smiles

Hurting

2010-04-13T20:54:00.007+03:00

The energy that have been hurting me

The words that have been turning me numb

My aching heart turns to wound

I smiled but with tears in my eyes

I'm suffering from deep within

I can't forego but I need to take it a long

As it's part of life of mine and yours

original

2010-04-13T20:05:00.003+03:00

I'm facing south with north on my back

seeing nothing but feeling everything

good or bad it's just a normal everyday

because at the end of the day it's just only me

far from the ordinary but yet original in my own way

One self

2010-03-27T08:25:00.003+03:00

The power of one self.

The power within you.

The power inside of you.

The one you use to heal your self and take control.

If you're sleeping, then wake up.

If you're down, then stand up.

If you're lost, then come back.

Favour

2010-03-17T20:30:00.003+03:00

Do your self a favour. Love your heart and bless your life. You definitely deserve it.

Greatness II

2010-03-17T20:26:00.001+03:00

Some people thinks they are born to be great but I feels great to be born.

The manipulators II

2010-03-12T07:03:00.003+03:00

What you understand about your self, you'll get to understand others.

Once you understand about others, you'll see a lot in your self.

Two ways of understanding and life is just a mirrors reflecting on each others.

Each and everyday, more and more information realised and understood.

I see in me both a leader and a feeder.

If I said I don't want to use them and not using them, actually I've already using them with or without I realise it or not.

It's already been part of me all along.

It's up to me to use them when and how.

It's up to me to make them better or not.

Weather

2010-03-11T06:46:00.001+03:00

Everyday life is like the weather. It's just the weather outside. Don't let them in.

Greatness

2010-03-10T22:08:00.003+03:00

I don't want to be great.

I don't want to do great things.

I just want to be simple.

I just want to do all my small things.

My own way.

The way I like them to be.

Which leave me feeling great.

Blessing II

2010-03-10T21:50:00.004+03:00

Some people always wondering why their life does not seems to go the way they want. They always wishes for some blessing and wanted their life to be blessed. And yet they keep on complaining and whining. One simple step that they need to do is only blessing their own life first and they already half way there.

Blessing

2010-03-10T21:47:00.002+03:00

My life is a blessing. If it's a mess, I'm the culprit who create my own mess.

Blessing

2010-03-10T21:47:00.000+03:00

My life is a blessing. If it's a mess, I'm the culprit who create my own mess.

The manipulators

2010-03-09T21:12:00.005+03:00

My eye brows always raised when ever I saw a leader works their way through until I saw a feeder works their way through as well. Very impressive indeed how they managed through life and survives. They does not really care who is better than who as long as they get what they strive for. One is always works on the higher sides and the others works on the lower sides. Top or bottom they are the same. The manipulators as they are one as they are the same with different ways and approach.

Read with your heart

2010-03-05T08:15:00.003+03:00

What ever you read, never read them one time. The first time you read, you'll read them with an ego sometimes. The second time you read, the brain is trying to take over and figure them out.

So, read for the third time and that's when your heart will finally realised it's needed and will take a peak.

It's really nothing compared to others

2010-03-05T07:12:00.003+03:00

Today I really felt tired and exhausted. Every inch of my body part is really aching. But to think about it, how tired I am, there is still other people that is more tired than me. So, my tiredness is really nothing compared to that other people.

As my mom always reminded me, the wounds from falling from my scooter was really nothing. Having scars all around my knees, legs and ankle was really nothing.

She was right.

Enjoying my friend's blog

2010-02-26T12:41:00.003+03:00

Was enjoying my friend's blog. Totally different from my blog. I guess although we are friends but we are totally two different person. Two different character and two different ways of thinking. But we respect each other ways and enjoy each others company.

Enjoy is the key word.

My good friend's mother passed away

2010-02-26T11:48:00.003+03:00

A few days ago, my good friend informed me that her mother passed away last saturday. I understand her pain and I understand also that she has been very tough all this time. I pray that Allah blessed her mother's soul. I pray that life will be easy on her in future.

My heart still the same

2010-02-26T11:31:00.003+03:00

There are things that will never be the same

But my heart will always be the same

Although it looks like somehow different

Although it seems like somehow different

What I care, I still cared

Whom I care, I still cared

Torture Chamber

2010-02-26T08:28:00.004+03:00

Time to time

My chamber is full

Sometimes slow

Sometimes fast

It depends

On who I am with

On where I have been

Still....

I can't cope until this day

When my chamber is full

A torture to my self

Losing my mind

And losing my self

Which...

I can't explain why

I can't explain how

It may be belongs to you

But I can't say it

May be it's you that

Have been torturing me

But I can't say it

Because....

I am the place

Where people dump

Their emotional pain

Their physical pain

I am a dumping ground

Their dumping ground

They dump and they go

They might not know

They might also know

Leaving me alone

With my torture chamber

Until it full by it self

Leaving me insane

By my own

Second Opinion

2010-02-26T07:31:00.004+03:00

A few weeks ago, I've been very angry. Angry at everything and angry at myself. I could not think clearly and wishing I could blame others if I could. Sleepless night and I can't really enjoy my life, anywhere I was. Either alone or with friends. I felt that I was wronged and it should not be that way.

I need a second opinion and I talk to friends. Being a manipulator is half what I am. Friends agreed with me and still I'm not satisfied. Somethings wrong because my heart is still not at ease. Still feeling angry and frustrated. Wish I could blame someone. Wish I could give up and go. But still, something unclear and something unfinished.

I still need another opinion which is not bias. Who will not be bias in this situation. At last I called my mom and explain to her my situation. Seeking a wise and experience words which I need to hear either I favour them or not.

I am at the wrong side as my mom said. I am selfish and un considerable as my mom said. I should have mercy and considerate even I like it or not as she continued advising me. My mom said that pain words comes from pain heart and soul. They comes out unintentionally. They may regret later but they can't help it when it happens. What ever people do to you, don't do the same things to others.

My mom did not bias nor favour me. Indeed wise words although I'm reluctant to accept at first. But what she said is the truth and the fact which I need to accept and change my way of thinking. Changing my way of thinking suddenly put my heart at ease.

2010-01-29T08:51:00.001+03:00

I called my mom today and she did not realised that today is 29th. It does not matter.

A Good Day

2010-01-29T07:52:00.003+03:00

Every day is the same. But today is a good day. My good day. Because I think so. Because my heart feel so. Because I want it to be so.

The day I will cherish in my heart. The day I will remember always in my mind.

Starting of today. Everyday will be a good day. My good day. Each and everyday. Because I think so. Because my heart feel so. Because I want them to be so.

Actually a gift

2010-01-20T19:34:00.003+03:00

When one realised that the curse is actually a gift, suddenly all falls into place and life become beautiful

Keeping Quiet - No.6

2010-01-19T21:37:00.002+03:00

Sometimes keeping quiet is good for us when we realise the moment our ego is taking over

Keeping Quiet - No.5

2010-01-19T21:31:00.002+03:00

Sometimes keeping quiet is good for us when we realise that we are trying to talk or explain things that we actually have no knowledge of

What is it?

2010-01-17T19:58:00.002+03:00

17th January 2010 - 7.55pm

Suddenly I was shivering and feeling cold without a reason.

What is it?

Lady Luck

2010-01-16T11:23:00.003+03:00

Lady Luck will never look nor smile at me because she is right here by my side with me smiling to everyone

Freedom

2010-01-16T11:13:00.002+03:00

The freedom of a person is his ability to control his own thought at his own free will

Keeping Quiet - No.4

2010-01-16T11:06:00.002+03:00

Sometimes keeping quiet is good for us when we realise that we will do more harm than good by opening our mouth

Keeping Quiet - No.3

2010-01-16T11:02:00.002+03:00

Sometimes keeping quiet is good for us because some opponents will lose desires to attack us when they can't find the ways to tear down our fence

Keeping Quiet - No.2

2010-01-16T10:58:00.003+03:00

Sometimes keeping quiet is good for us when we realise that we only owed our self the explanation

Keeping Quiet - No.1

2010-01-16T10:53:00.004+03:00

Sometimes keeping quiet is good for us when there is no point of defending and arguing if we know we are wrong

Allowance Within Me

2010-01-16T10:14:00.003+03:00

I will allow my self to have a little bit of lame excuses and some laziness but never will I allow my self to complains and whine.

Become stronger

2009-12-25T10:37:00.003+03:00

I'm touching my heart from the inside

Trying to start a conversation

Between a mind and a heart

To understand and to console

To become one as one soul

It's okay to be scared and afraid

But can you become stronger

It's okay to be uncertain and weak

But again can you become stronger

Be like the rest

2009-12-14T11:03:00.006+03:00

Trying to be skeptic

My world doesn't make sense

What should I believe

Where do I go from here

What is my next step

I'm lost in my own world

From dawn to sunset

From sunset to dawn

I will never be like the rest

I have no will to become stronger

2009-12-14T10:34:00.003+03:00

Don't step into my world.

Don't come into my life.

Sometimes I'm tired of what I am

I want to get out as I can't cope with my own self

It's like a dream without an end

Like a ship without a skipper

I'm drifting away far away from the shore

I'm washing away far away from reality

I'm afraid of my own ability

I'm also afraid of what I can do

Don't want to be stronger although it's what I should do

As I'm afraid the test and responsibility will be greater

Need to do this

2009-10-30T15:54:00.004+03:00

Still feels so exhausted and weak. I have no strength for the day. I have no strength to lift up my magic scissors. I have tears in my eyes as I gather the remaining strength to cut the invisible string. Why is it so hard for me today. Anyhow, I need to do what I need to do no matter how hard it is.

Finding back myself

2009-10-30T08:06:00.003+03:00

I woke up this morning feeling lost. I could not sense myself inside of me. It's a crowded room inside of me full of emotions and energies of humans from last night function. Closing my eyes for a very long time and searching back one by one until I finally find back the familiar face in the crowded faces of friends and strangers.

I am a Pretender

2009-10-26T19:39:00.003+03:00

I feels so deep

Yet I pretend that I don't care

I care so much

Yet I pretend that I'm heartless

I know so much

Yet I pretend that I know nothing

Freedom to choose

2009-10-19T20:56:00.003+03:00

From far I heard the echos of the crying wind searching it's way to my heart. Again and again until I myself lost in the middle of myself. I seek and I learned how to save myself and my heart. Until a few days back finally I learned and able to cut this unseen bond because I care. I'm free to choose and I'm free to care.

Honestly

2009-10-10T06:51:00.005+03:00

I don't have sympathy for you

And I don't even feels sorry for you

You see others like you see your self

You categorized your self and you categorized others as well

Honestly

I care for you and it's simple as that

Honestly

I like you as you are and it's just a fact

Honestly

You are a special person and I won't trade you for others

I'm smiling to my heart - 2

2009-10-10T03:12:00.002+03:00

Every time I'm smiling to my own heart, I'm smiling to the world as well.

2009-09-05T11:48:00.002+03:00

Happiness is where I set my feet's on

Love is where my heart is

Smile is everywhere I look at

Be ready

2009-09-04T09:11:00.006+03:00

I belong to myself and yet I belong to others as well. I am one and we are one. There is no separation between me and the hearts that reach me. Blocking them will hurt me more so it's better just to let them in and let them flow through me. I realised that it's easy to recover from the emotions and illness that reach me when I am ready and healthy.

For my own sake, I need to take care of myself first so that I'm always healthy and strong. I could not foresee when, where and how because they will always trying to reach me. I must be ready at any time.

Sincere

2009-09-03T22:47:00.002+03:00

I saw some people who are sincerely nice. May GOD bless them and their family.

Still learning

2009-09-03T17:35:00.004+03:00

Remembering what I've learned a few months ago. If I lost a key in the dark, why should I look underneath the lamp post. That's what other people have been doing all this years. What they don't see, they don't accept. What they don't accept, they think it's does not exist. They have been searching everywhere under the light and they never once across their mind to look in the dark where it was there all along.

So much to learn and so much that I can learn.

So far I'm still learning to control my heart whilst learning the language of the human heart at the same time. Having learning and understand new things time to time. What I learn about myself I learn about others as well. So true. I have been asking lots of question to my own heart and found out that my heart is answering back. Awesome.

Think outside the box and yet learning the secrets in the box.

Mend a broken heart

2009-08-29T07:29:00.007+03:00

Once, it takes time to mend a broken heart

As I stared into nothingness for a very long time until it's finally gone

Once, it takes acceptance to mend a broken heart

As I looked away silently and took a deep breath with a new hope

Once, it takes decision to mend a broken heart

As I closed my eyes tightly with tears and open them again in a new world

Every Single Day

2009-08-28T10:33:00.004+03:00

I woke up in the morning with a heavy feeling in my heart. Every single day is nearly the same as the day before. The weight of the world it is. Tears drop from my eyes as I feels the burden and the suffering of the human's heart. Every single day I need to tell my self not to be carried away and forcing myself to fight back this emotions. Every single day I tell my self that I need to be stronger than yesterday. Every single day my heart's bleeding and every single day also I heals back the wound. Every single day I cried and smile back as I wiped the tears from my eyes. Every single day I learned a new hope and I learned new things about life. Every single day I was hoping that I can smile to the world and every single heart that I can reach out.

I'm no hero to the world

2009-08-25T22:50:00.004+03:00

I'm not a hero or a savior

I can't save all the people in this world

I can't save each and everyone around me

But I will try to save myself

So that I can save you as well

I'm smiling to my heart

2009-08-25T21:52:00.005+03:00

I walked pass the crowd of friends and strangers

Every day and every night

Alive and living my life like the rest of them

Yet I'm different and alone in my own world

I talked and I shared like nothings wrong

But deep in my heart I alone knew

As I hears and I feels without any boundaries

The hearts and emotions floating around me

I used to shiver and almost losing my mind

When I feels the pulse in the air finding it's way to my heart

I realised I have an empty space in my heart

And I was crushing myself to destruction

I'm learning to fills the space and heals the wound

Learning my way to save my heart and my mind

I find hope and suddenly love come naturally

Filling the space until faith comes along

I'm smiling to my heart and others in silence

I'm able to give hope to mine and others as well

Truly amazing and still makes me amused till now

I don't know how it works but it works anyway

Loving my heart till it overflows to the surrounding

As long I'm able to control I won't give up hoping

I see the beauty and cherish even to the smallest things

Spreading the unseen and hope to see them smile

Start with a smile

2009-08-15T08:50:00.002+03:00

Human's feelings and emotions are contagious. Believe in yourself and don't give up hope. Start with a smile and it will enlighten everyone around you.

A Good Friend

2009-08-15T07:31:00.005+03:00

I was chatting with a good friend yesterday. A good friend I adore and respect. A good friend I love and miss so much. From her I learned so much about life. From her also I learned the most powerful words which I carry in my mind and heart. "If you are not happy, do something about it". So true. The words that save me from destroying myself. I thanked her all my life.

2009-08-14T17:39:00.002+03:00

I tried and I cried

But I won't stop trying

I still see the goodness in other people's heart

No matter how small they are

I still see the hope in their eyes

Although it looks like just a glimpse only

Self healing/Self whispering

2009-08-14T07:30:00.005+03:00

Listen to your body

They will stop and listen back to you

Whisper softly to them and ask them dearly

Ask them which part is hurting

Ask them what is hurting them

Ask them what they want

They will answer you back

Your body is just like a baby

They need love and attention

They need care and affection

Once you understand

You can whisper what you want

What you want them to do

What you want them to be

You will realise that

You will heal much faster

You will heal much easier

With the power of GOD

Need to fight this

2009-08-12T07:40:00.004+03:00

I don't feel very well today as every inch of my body started feeling ache and I already feels dizzy. Please GOD makes me well again. Please GOD I need the strength to fight this.

No Option

2009-08-11T07:43:00.003+03:00

I have no option. That's what I have been told. I stayed because I have no option. I was in silence. Is it true? Questioning my self again and again.

Last year I was offered a job in the UAE which I turned down because I still like it here. Last year also I was offered to operate a branch of a printing shop by my sister which I said wait and hold on first. Which I still hold on to my heart. A few weeks ago my friend offered me to join working with her for the airport project which I said wait and see for another two years.

Then I was told that I stayed because I have no option. I was angry. I was angry at myself. Where do I belong to? Which place suits me? What kind of job that makes me happy? What should I have doing now?

Don't make decision when you angry. You will not makes the right decision because it's all because of anger. Anger will only clouded your mind and heart which you will regret afterwards. But I need to be angry to force my self to wake up from this slumber sleep. Dreaming in this comfort zone which I've been hiding from the real me and the world of reality.

Currently I know I'm a joke to myself. I'm not being the best of me by doing this kind of job. This line of work. To add that this project it self is a joke to the everyone.

Questioning back myself. I am the one who is limiting my options. I am the one who is allowing somebody putting words into my head that I have no option. If I'm down, I'm the responsible one and no one else.

Get Out of my head

2009-08-10T20:20:00.003+03:00

When words are sharper than knife

Stabbing my hearts again and again

Forcing me to realise

Who am I actually

Silence I have become

Wandering in my head

With watery eyes

I'm looking away

Looking for an answer

Get Out of my head

Is all I can think now

And I meant you

Have Faith in Me, Please

2009-08-08T11:31:00.001+03:00

To the trouble heart that has been knocking on my door

What can I do for you my friend

Just please tell me what should I do

You can't just wandering around like that unconsciously

Crying silently in your own world

Alone with an empty room in your heart

Longing for something that is still far from your reach

Although your mind keep telling you to go for it

Your inner self is reaching out

Whilst your hand is pushing away

The eyes of sorrow is torn in between

As the spoken words makes the decision

You are hurting your self even more

Day by day and moment by moment

Although you say to your self that's it's okay

Determination and mind setting is more important

Do you know that your heart is in me as well

From the day you reach out from a far

As I hold and care for it like my own

Feeling the pain every time you cry

Out of the Closet

2009-08-07T17:53:00.001+03:00

After being down for a few days, I realised that only I can bring myself up again. Need to stand back no matter how many times I fell down. It's not easy because every time feels like the first time. Too hard to think back. Too hard to realise back. Too hard to stand back again. No matter what, still need to regain back myself.

Saw a friend in the morning. Still seeing the cautious words and fence up so high. Selective words and control facial movement. Hard life and striving hard. Pulling and pushing at the same time. Control situasion but with un-control vibration in the air. I wish I can help but there is some that I can't interfere. But I'm willing to take in the physical pain if I need to so that my friend will be able to finish her works.

Anyway, I've got to go to another friend's house. The weather is too hot and I have no vehicle. Although I have big ego and pride, it's not helping me at this time. Calling for help from another friend for a ride will do me good.

Good brunch and get together with friends really is fun. My favorite dishes of all time with my favorite friends. And a toddler kept staring at me most of the time. I was laughing because he kept staring at me every time he sees me. He was staring at me a few weeks ago also. What did he sees? When I was hoping for some guy can't let his eyes of me and I found a toddler can't let his eyes of me. Funny.

Anyway, I braced my self telling my friends that I'm able to feels others emotion and able to ease the normal physical pain by touching. I was ready for comments and rejection from them. But today is my day so far. Not only they found it's amusing, I ended up touching and light rubbing their back one by one. When a friend said that I like having a vampire power and it's was funny and I feels so relax. What ever vampire or mutant, I'm just a human with lots of disabilities. I thank GOD for all the life and the given so far. Although sometimes I can't see or unable to accept what I am. I thank GOD for what I am.

Just because of one day

2009-08-07T07:58:00.001+03:00

It's funny when you try to control your self and being good for a whole month and one day you just blow up. Just for a day only and people will judge you based on that one day.

It's the same with if you gave anyone a piece of white paper with a small black dot in the middle. People will focus on the dot instead of seeing the whole white colour around the dot.

Losing My Self

2009-08-07T07:11:00.005+03:00

Few days ago I lost my self. I lost control of myself. I'm overflow with negativity inside of me and I'm down with depressed. I can't really think clearly and I really feel unwanted and not helping anyone around me including in my work. I kept making mistakes and feeling bad. I feels like giving up everything and became a loser. I punched and wall and the table. I said lots of bad things that makes me feels miserables afterwards.

I'm afraid. What if I failed to remain my sanity. What if I get confused all over again and ended up with mental depression or disorder like the rest. I need help but who should I turn to. People will just misunderstood me.

Am I a loser?

Yesterday, someone told me what I did was not appropriate. I tried to explain but I can't. Nobody will understand me because they can't feel what's inside my head and my heart. They can't understand what's I've been through. I'm not a strong person. But I do try to remain alive and live life. My life. Not anybody else's life although they kept interfering inside my head and my heart. They think it's a easy job to maintain sanity. They think it's easy to control and overcome things. They think when you are ok that's mean there will be no more problem. Things sounds easy with words. They have never seen the storm. They have never feels the chaos.

Where do I go from here?

I've cried my heart out last night and still crying now. Am I cursed or am I born with responsibility? What is my purpose of life? Why am I different from others? Why can't I just be normal like the rest of the population. My life could be a lot more easier. My heart could be a lot more happier. My head could be a lot more lighter.

Do I hate my self?

I don't now. I'm afraid to defined my self. I'm afraid to categorize my self.

Nothing in July 09 but something's going on

2009-08-01T18:29:00.001+03:00

Nothing for the whole month of July. I was busy dealing with my mind and wondering what's happening. Something is different now days. Something is changing for the better.

Things that I learned I finally understood. Learning by heart and living it everyday. Trying to manage the gravity of the earth and the gravity inside of me. Trying to manage the noise from the outside and the mental noise inside of me. Trying to help myself and still trying to help others as well.

Can't help myself from still caring about others. I'm neither apathy nor sympathy. I'm empathy.

2009-07-07T06:36:00.000+03:00

I sense something different now

Is it with the surrounding or is it me?

Things that I want to tell and explain

But I don't think they will able to understand

Yourself first

2009-06-27T17:29:00.001+03:00

What you learn about yourself, you'll learn about others

What you know about yourself, you'll know about others

Learn about yourself first before you look at others

Know about yourself first before you judge others

Balance in Life - 1

2009-06-26T14:43:00.001+03:00

If people can see and appreciate balance in life through win-win situation.

Notice and un-notice

2009-06-26T09:12:00.001+03:00

People come and go

Notice and un-notice

Remembered and being forgotten

People that are left behind

Do they notice

They still have all the time in this world

Time to look back and make amend

Time to care and love

Time to have hope and move on

Getting hurt

2009-06-24T19:22:00.001+03:00

By allowing myself getting hurt by others makes me realised that I'm still in the world of reality and makes me realised that I'm able to heal myself and overcome the obstacles. I'll be better than my yesterday.

Human and their heart - part 1

2009-06-20T08:35:00.000+03:00

Sometimes I did not know how to explain what I've learned about human and their heart. It's something fascinated that I'm most attracted to and I'm not able to run away from. It's also more complicated and like a continuing process of life itself. I learned so much but sometimes I don't know how to put into words. It's like a huge amount of knowledge from each and every individual that I encountered everyday. I do get confused most of the time but overtime I finally seems to understand little by little.

Every individual is very special in their own way and we must treat and see each individual as an individual them selves. Although their hearts seems familiar with other hearts but they are not the same. No human hearts are the same. That's makes them special as an individual. That makes them different from another person.

I see human as an overall. Front and back, inside out. I see their feature, their movement and their expression. I hear their voice. The weight of their voice and the tones in their voice. The words they choose and the words they did not use. I see in their eyes, the passage to their heart. I sense their heartbeat and their heart. Sometimes it does not matter how, whether they are facing me or they are calling me over the phone or they are writing.

Seems funny and unexplainable. This is where people misunderstood me most but it doesn't really matter because how hard I try to explain, they will not be able to understand although they will try to look like they understand. I will know but it's okay. Some did not understand and challenged me. Some just ignore and continue with their life. Some will try to look understand because they don't want to be left out. Some will just accept me just the way I am although they do not fully understood. Some do understand me some how with an open heart and this is what I called a miracle of life.

Some heart drawn me nearer. What ever they do and what ever they trying to express they do it with a sincere heart. I'm not sure how to put into words. Either they are naive or they are truthful to their own heart. Whether they are angry or frustrated or hatred or irritated or anxious or sad or happy or relief or relax, they just look so beautiful and genuine. This is where what ever condition they are into, it just won't push me away. This is where my eyes and heart are always soft for them. This is where I smile in silence and my heart calm in silence. This is where I listened with love in my heart and I'm willing to take in the pain with care in my heart.

Some heart makes me have the urgency to put a distant or a gap between us. Some people did not understand their own heart. Some people did not open their own heart. Some people did not listen to their own heart. Some people did not realise that they have a heart inside of them. Sometimes I just can't belief what I learned from them but I'm not in a position to judge them. Also it's not my part in this world to put a sentence to them nor to hate them. They must have their own reason and trauma that they have faced or experienced which makes they turn out to be what they are now. No matter how hard they try to put words into our mind or hearts, no matter how hard they are trying to put a false impression, no matter how hard they are trying to built a mask in front of them, all I can see is clouded passage in their eyes and a heart that is shut tightly inside of them. This is where I felt irritated and hatred very fast. But, again who am I in this world.

Sometimes they cry for help and looks like they need all the help they can get. But with their heart shut tightly inside of them, all they want are actually for the world to feels sorry for them and all the attention that they can get. Excuses from their pains and miseries but they do not want to be heal anyway. They are pulling every one around them into the darkness of their heart and drowning them with their selfishness. Sometimes I do try to help them and open up their heart so they can realise and see the beauty of life and world around them. But I did not have enough strength in my heart to carry the weight of their world. The air around them is too heavy for me to breath in. I'm sorry but it's too challenging for me and I have my own heart and life to spare. May be I'm not the right person to save them and hope they will find the right people that can opened up their heart and save them from selves. Hopefully they will find the savior in them actually. That's the best gift they can get and give to them selves. The gift they will appreciate and cherish in their life. The gift nobody can give except them selves. It's so beautiful if only they can see, feels, understand and accept.

Anyhow I wish calm heart in all the heart in this world. I wish they will find the happiness within them selves. I am no noble person and I myself have a weak and selfish heart. I'm nobody as I walked pass crowded of strangers and friends un-noticed each and everyday. I'm feeling the weight of their heart and their sorrow everyday and they don't even realised. I'm taking in their emotional and physical pain without they knowing anything just to ease their misery. I'm still nobody and I'm just one of them. I don't need appreciation or some sort of that.

The best gift for me is just genuine in people's heart and happiness within them selves. Just because I'm a very selfish person. I only want a good day to enjoy my life everyday and a good night sleep every night.

Continue moving on day after day

2009-06-17T20:46:00.001+03:00

I smile in silence as my heart is calming down. Suddenly I'm feeling much better now although I felt a bit exhausted. It's okay. Typing from my heart as I'm listening to the songs playing from the music video at the same time. Tonight most of the songs seems good. Or is it because I feel good after able to drain the cup.

It is still a beautiful night although I need to rest early tonight. It is still a beautiful life although we need to fight just to survive another day. We shall keep on going and will be able to continue moving on day after day.

Suddenly tonight

2009-06-17T19:59:00.001+03:00

I don't feel good tonight and my energy drained out so quickly suddenly at the same time. I feel dizzy and I've just vomited a couple of times. Something touched my heart so deep and I have tears in my eyes.

My heart is beating faster than usual and I now know what should I do. Placing my hands against my heart and praying for it to calm down. Filling my own heart with hope and love until it's calm and relax.

I know there is nothing wrong with me and I just need to rest early tonight. Hopefully I'll be okay the next day.

Beautiful words

2009-06-17T16:38:00.001+03:00

When words come from a sincere heart. They are something that even I can't describe. So beautiful that they stays in my heart for a very long time. My heart feels so deep and I want to cherish as long as I can remember.

After been walking along this path of life with all the things that I knew and absorbs. I feels that I'm more like being cursed instead of being gifted. But today, I feels gifted and I feels wonderful.

I want to live

2009-06-15T09:57:00.001+03:00

I'm soffucated and I can't breath properly
I'm drowning in the sea and swept away from the shore
I can't reach anything and there is nothing to hold on to
I feels like crying and I felt the urgency to surface

I need to resurface before I drowned any deeper
I need to find ways to survive myself
I need to make the effort to push myself upwards
I want to live and live life